And Me Without a Camera

I was driving to work today and pulled up behind a chevy pickup truck. The rear window had two notable features. The first was an elegant, hand-cut set of vinyl letters stating the popular telephone-hawking catch phrase, "Can you hear me now".

I imagine this guy had "Where's the beef?" and "Yo Queiro Taco Bell" on his last two trucks. Sometimes when you bring nothing to the table and want to belong, you can assimilate with fellow losers by rallying around a familiar (yet unclever) television saying. I suspect his buddy took "You're Fired". There was a clear pathology apparent in that there was evidence of a time investment, certainly an hour or so for every tooth he didn't have.

As if this was not funny enough, it was misspelled. The letters actually read, "Can you Here Me Now?". Some local dope was duped by the old homophone. What a moron. This reminded me of a 70's Camaro that proudly featured "MATALLICA" on the back window written with red electrical tape.

The best part is, this beacon of dimwittedness rode aside a "Bush-Cheney '04" sticker, completing the look. Apparently there was a child left behind!

And me without a camera.

Pray for the Pope's Death

Lately, Ol’ JPII is not feeling so hot, and world leaders to television newscasts to local yahoos have suggested the common sentiment of “"Pray for the Pontiff"”. Hold on. Isn’'t this like telling me to demand that the CEO not to fire a middle manager?

If the all-knowing omnipotent God, our holy father and lord, gave His number one local sales rep the paintshaker-in-a-helicopter disease, and then the bird flu, and then a disorder that required them to shove a scalpel through his windpipe to save his ass, maybe we shouldn’'t be praying for his recovery. Are we second guessing God? Clearly, He wants JPII up in the clouds (along with Terri Schiavo) but somehow we seem to know better and keep him alive with drugs and pointy things. The science devils are prolonging his ascent to everlasting life. We must not let those baby-aborting, evolution-teaching nuts stand in the way! Next thing you know they’'ll be trying to plug some fetal stem cells up his kiester to stop the shakes!

Clearly, God gave him Parkinson’'s disease, and if that’'s His desire then I'’m right behind Him. I’'m praying for the death of the pope, and you should too. Apparently He wants him dead. Get on God's good side. Don’'t oppose His wishes. WWJD? Clearly, he'd support a prolonged, agonizing death to thank JPII for the life of devotion, sacrifice and celibacy.

The liberally-biased, left-wing media wants you to pray for the pontiff. Screw that! Don'’t go against the boss if you know what is good for you! Heck, God threw a tasty wave that killed 100K in a day in Indonesia and looks the other way at the genocide in Sudan. He'’s on a roll, cleaning house, let Him knock off the old dude too. Trust God. He has a master plan that we are too stupid tot understand. Remember, we suck. Go rub your rosary and shut up.

That said, follow God’s lead. Hope and pray for a long, painful, degenerative death for the world’'s holiest man, Pope John Paul II. It is clearly just what God Himself has prescribed, and the way He wants it. As they say in coastal Thailand, "It's God's will, go with the flow".

Plus Wayne gets 17 points.

We Are Illegal Drug Users

My wife and I were getting sick. We could feel the tickle in the back of our throats, the low-grade fever, the pain in the ears. We grew ill after a month of watching co-workers and colleagues crash with similar symptoms. Everyone was missing work and miserable. We thought we had evaded the bug.

Neither of us could afford to be sick, we both had responsibilities and deadlines that needed to be met. Acting preemptively and with a mind toward prophylaxis, we rested, ate well and loaded up on vitamins. No dice. The mercury in our ancient thermometers inched higher. This was clearly a classic throat, sinus and ear infection, and a quick dose of antibiotics would help limit the severity of the symptoms and illness progression. We would seek medical assistance.

I called my doctor's office and they told me that the doctor could see me on March 18th at 2:30. They could not prescribe antibiotics without an office visit. Roxy called her doctor's office figuring we could get 'his and hers' amoxicillin. Her doctor was out of town and the office could not prescribe antibiotics, again without an office visit.

Both of us had to be well, yet the system that grants us wellness was unable to accommodate. We turned to the underground illegal drug trade to score illegal drugs so we could maintain our health.

A friend has a friend that has a friend that is a drug rep. He was able to find us a box of antibiotic samples. These weren't just regular antibiotics, they were Cipro, primo shit, the stuff they use to combat anthrax infections.

Under the cover of darkness we met him in the parking lot of a local shopping mall. I produced $20 in unmarked singles for his time and willingness to fuel our sick addiction to health. We made the exchange. That night Roxanne and I got loaded on Cipro and went to sleep. The next day I took a double dose. By mid-day, our symptoms were gone. We returned to work, outlaws.

Now my wife and I have degenerated from do-gooder contributors to society to illegal drug scofflaws. Under the current War On Drug laws, our home, cars and stuff could likely be seized and we could go to jail. Thank goodness for our small government that stays out of our personal business!

Isn't it great to have the freedom to make decisions about your own health and body and have a health-care system so willing to support them?

My 10 12 Commandments

Since politicians and deities alike don't seem to live by the original and allegedly sacred ten, I decided to make up my own based upon real social situations. These are things I live by every day and I think they make a nice set.

As per X24's recommendation that all things come in 6 or 12, I decided to expand the commandment set to 12.

1. It is better to regret something you did, than to regret something you didn't do.

2. It is better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

3. Have a good time, all the time.

4. Don't remember the Sabbath. Be productive all the time. Work on holy days and get 14.2% ahead of the religious freaks.

5. It costs less to do it right on the first try; your time is the most valuable investment in any endeavor.

6. Void where prohibited. (X24)

7. Everything should be packaged in 6's or 12's. (thanks again, X24)

8. Always carry a black indelible marker.

9. If you don't ask, you don't get.

10. Oppose the conservative Bush administration, but welcome the liberal administration of bush.

11. Oppose anything "for the children".

12. I don't want to believe, I want to know.

Let Terri Take the Dirt Nap

note from Schmootzie: Hi everyone. Periodically I let my neighbor and racketball partner Rev. Harlan Ferris take a stab at preparing something for the New World Odor. He's so hard right that he too thinks Bush is a loser. Yesterday he handed me a piece about Terri Schiavo, the brain-injured Florida patient that doctors say has zero chance for recovery. I give to you his hard-line Christian indictment of Conservative Christianity:


Why Terri Should Die by Rev. Harlan Ferris

Glory be to God! I've listened to the Limbaughs and local "conservative" disc jockey Bob Rose over in the People's Republic of Gainesville. They all say that Terri's feeding tube must stay in and her life prolonged. They call themselves conservatives! They call themselves Christian and Pro-Life!

However, while I am Pro-Life, I am more Pro-ETERNAL-Life in the arms of Jesus. Our Sweet Lord prepared a place for Ms. Schiavo many years ago. He has a warm place at his hand, a space remaining void and vacant in her absence. Here she is trapped in her disfigured earthen vessel, tied to the machines and drugs of the mad doctors and scientists that perpetuate Satan's chemical lies. They force her to stay a part of her earthly trappings, despite God's calling to His side. Hosana in the highest!

And the so-called Conservatives again use Jesus for convenience! They count on him to get out the vote and to demonize the demonic enemy, but when it comes time to TRUST Jesus the Christ, they don't. They trust medicine and machines and scientists that say we came from monkeys! Mercy All!

I say take out the tubes and pray, pray not for expedient departure of her soul to the arms of Jesus. Ask the Lord to leave her with us. Pray for her soul to stick hard to the battered bones, flesh and neurologicalism. If the Lord is willing, she will draw a breath and rise from the bed, returning to do His work on earth. If it is not His will, then she will move to God's side with the choirs of angels above. Allelujah!

See, Conservatives only USE the Lord when it is politically expedient to do so. They don't possess a fundamental TRUST of Jesus to give him full command when in dire adversity. Trust Jesus. Pull the tubes. He will do the right thing.


Respectfully,

Rev. Harland Ferris
Trinity Faithful Assembly of God by Faith
East Palatka, FL

President's Day -- A Day of Deceit

X24 and I were discussing how we’d spend President’s Day. Typically a throw-away holiday, we looked at 2005 as a chance to give reverence to the highest office in the land and deliver a fitting homage. X24 suggested that we pay our respects to the presidents, both past and present, alive or dead in the most fitting way—by lying the entire day. Pull the wool over the eyes of someone you trust in the spirit of the nation's executive leader.

At first I thought of George Washington and the cherry tree and “Honest” Abe Lincoln that walked miles back to town to pay pennies to a shopkeeper that gave him too much change. I always associated presidents, and President’s Day with virtue, honesty and integrity. However, if you objectively look at our country’s leaders over the past few decades, and certainly our leader this century, it is clear that these “virtuous” men are all scumbags. We should all have our heads examined.

Don’t say this too loudly or 50% of the people around you will give you an evil glare or a high-fiving megadittoes. If you bash the other guy you'll get an punch in the schnoz or a granola bar. Democrats defend their scumbags and Republicans defend their lying sacks of shit. How can any leader dupe 50% of this nation into blindness to his mistruths and manipulations? In the post 9-11 world this has taken unprecedented hold. The president’s flock of brainstem dittoheads doesn’t listen, they don’t question, just do as the president says and defend him endlessly. Hurry up and drink the damn Kool-Aid…

But more scrutiny of the last several decades shows that we have been led by untruthful dweebs for some time now. Dwight Eisenhower lied about the U2 plane, “we weren’t spying”. JFK ran the White House on a steady fuel of Kennedy-esque indiscretions. Lyndon Johnson had many lapses in credibility during the Vietnam war and “Tricky” Dick Nixon took pipe and resigned for lies and obstruction.

His tombstone reads, “Here Lies Ronald Reagan” and I say, “What Else is New”. The Reagan Administration brought secrecy, scandal, dirty trades, death squads, deception, under the table deals and evil deeds to many parts of the planet. When asked in court under oath, he couldn’t recall. Maybe there is a god after all. If you ain’t using that memory, maybe he’ll take it away.

George Bush 41 said, “Read my lips, no new taxes”, followed shortly by the largest tax increase to date. Insert wingtip into oral cavity.

Bill Clinton looked me right into the eyes through the television and told me firmly, “I did not have sex with that woman”. If it was not for the creepy fact that Monica Lewinsky was lazy with the dry cleaning or waiting for 2001 to sell the spooge-stained dress on ebay, the country would still be divided over Clinton’s Oval Office activities. Bottom line— he perjured himself and should have resigned. That was only the tip of the iceberg for that guy, as every statement was carefully delivered to hide the truth and obfuscate reality.

But our president now brings the gift of deceit to a new level. Whether it is WMD, yellow cake, education, the economy, the cost of Medicaid, Iran “nookuler” capability, or Iraqis tied to the 9-11 hijackings, GWB bangs his fist on the podium preaching "facts" that inevitably turn out to be wrong, every damn time! Brave soldiers have died from his crappy homework. Still 100% of 51% of this nation defend him voraciously. When someone is lied to and refuses to see it, they are ignorant, and Bush supporters have the blind Clinton supporters beat by a mile in the category. I could go on and on about GW Bush lies, but there are volumes of books and countless websites dedicated to the topic.

So let’s consider the phenomenon. Why does it happen? Why is it getting worse? The answer, blind party loyalty. If I go out and put a 'Bush Lied' bumper sticker on my bumper here in Spuds, Florida, I’ll have der winders dun busted in befer Tuesdee. People love their elected officials. They love them to the point of blind admiration. Nixon WAS a crook, Reagan was a criminal, Clinton pardoned criminals for contributions while lying to congress and GW Bush can’t open his moon-pie hole without oozing untruth.

We are lousy connoisseurs of elected officials. We need to hold them to the highest standards, they work for us. Let’s pass a bill that ensures honesty in the office. You pass a program or plan under false pretenses, no matter how good the evidence, and you’re outta there, give the other team a shot.

It is ironic that the Republicans want accountability from individuals. They want accountability from our public schools. Somehow corporate America $eem$ to slip under the radar. George W. Bush is "never wrong", yet he is always wrong. Democrats want us to do the right thing, but beating bleeding hearts don't deliver enough blood to the brain, and they lie too. Democrats and Republicans need to stop supporting lying leaders. It starts at the top.

By the way, John Kerry is a lying sack of shit too.

Dear Diary(hea)

After finding my 33 feet of my lower GI in the toilet Roxy and I gathered up my innards into a 5 gallon bucket and I squatted over it until we arrived in emergency room. Turns out that my alleged bout with Ebola was just a freak fluorescent light tube accident. I don't know if it was because I didn't look where I was sitting somewhere or because I changed the tubes last week with no pants on. All I know for sure is that my prolapsed alimentary canal was skillfully packed back into its vessel by talented physicians and all is well. It still hurts a bit to sit down, but they told me that I am polyp free!

I'm enjoying a bottle of VO and lots of painkillers. Tomorrow I shall return to my typical daily inane commentary.

Boycott Shampoo...

demand real poo.

That's all I have in me today. I'm running a 104 fever with bleeding from every orifice. A search of the internets suggests my symptoms consistent with Ebola. I'm no puss, so I'll take an extra vitamin, put on my jammies and sleep it off. Virus schmirus.

I have to stop here. Liquefied innards oozing.

Schmootzie

One Nation, Under Mars

I thank the NWO frequent reader and commenter Loxias for wrecking my day. I was directed to a horrifying website, one of the worst I have ever seen (and that says a lot). This site has the baby eaters and suicide cleanup crews at rotten.com beat by a mile. X24, you won't like it.

Why? Because this site features pictures from UnderMars.com. I checked it out myself to verify its authenticity. First, I found 50-some pages of soldiers' photos, fun photos, picturesque shots, picture of seized weapons etc. Until you get to page 52. From that point on the pages feature Kodak moments of the war. Military shutterbugs have captured images of heads and eyeballs, bloody corpses and dismembered bodies in Iraq, posted proudly with silly little comments that cheapen the lives of those killed. It is reprehensible. Don't even look at it if you can't witness a photo of a dude with a hole in his head with light sticks you paid for put into it.

In their defense, war and the military has to turn a small-town hillbilly into a soul-less killing machine. How can you get a good Christian boy to happily override the religious brainwashing of "Thou Shall Not Kill" except to give the ultimate spin cycle brainwash with undercarriage protection? But to take pictures of it, and post them in an open forum, proudly, with sarcastic, evil comments is a little over the line. Not only is it offensive to anyone that values human life, like maybe those that are pro-life, it will ultimately work against us. Far be it for me to endorse censorship, but maybe we should use our heads instead of theirs. Look at the comments from non-Americans here. We have brought the attitude and evils of redneck xenophobe America to the computer screens of the world, and it is further consolidating them against us.

There are pictures of severed heads and legs, bodies piled into funny poses. This make Abu Gharab look like the innocent fun house the Administration claims it to be. To me, the scariest, sickest photo occurs early, before the gruesome photos. It features a soldier with Psalm 21 written on his helmet. This bible passage says:

“Your hand will reach all your enemies; your right hand will reach your foes! At the time of your coming you will drive them into a furnace. Then the Lord’s anger will consume them, devour them with fire. Even their descendants you will wipe out from the earth, their offspring from the human race."

Here's a guy proudly following the words of a god endorsing genocide. I think this represents the attitude of the Administration the best, to install their ideas of Christian Reconstructionism in the Middle East and remove the "funny-talkin', Allah-worshippin', sand niggers" living over all of that precious oil.

Are you mad yet? This is being done in your name, to protect you, you stupid 51% sonofabitch. Think. Do you really think it is working? WWJD? Can we stop evil people by being evil people? I am not proud that we endorse this as the wacky by-product of security and liberation, and it will come back to haunt us all.

President vs. Drunken Clown, a Scorecard

President Bush: There is clear, absolute evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
Schmootzie: "They don't have anything"
Outcome: White House admits, "no weapons"
Score: President 0, Drunk Clown 1

President Bush: 9-11 terrorists are from Iraq
Schmootzie: Gimmie a break!
Outcome: 9-11 terrorists are Saudis and others, not Iraqi
Score: 0, Drunk Clown 2

President Bush: New proposal will save Medicare and bring benefits to seniors, will cost $300 billion over 10 years
Schmootzie: New bureaucracy will form, individual savings will be negligible, cost will be severely underestimated.
Outcome: Seniors confused, no big savings, will cost a trillion bucks in 10 years, big pharma is clear winner
Score: GWB 0, Drunk Clown 3

President Bush: We'll catch Osama Bin Laden dead or alive
Schmootzie: You'll never catch him
Outcome: Still not caught
Score: GWB 0, Drunk Clown 4

President Bush: We’re gonna git Saddam Hussein
Schmootzie: You'll never catch him
Outcome: Saddam captured!
Score: GWB 1, Drunk Clown 4

President Bush: "Mission Accomplished"
Schmootzie: "Mission Not Accomplished"
Outcome: "Mission Not Accomplished"
Score: GWB 1, Drunk Clown 5

President Bush: We have to go to smoke 'em out of their holes, break the backbone of Al Queda in Afghanistan and Iraq
Schmootzie: You're only going to increase recruitment and lead to bigger, bolder attacks
Outcome: CIA chief Goss warns, "increased recruitment will lead to bigger, bolder attacks against American interests"
Score: GWB 1, Drunk Clown 6

The president is 1/6 as right as a crappy, intoxicated circus clown and remember, even a broken clock is right twice a day, especially when it has the finest fighting machine and soldiers in the world working for it. More to come... Maybe there should be a clown in the cabinet.

Halloween 2005: Problem Solved.

My Holy Calendar consists of several sacred days, one of which is Halloween. The day holds special meaning as it endorses door-to-door begging for free food. Here, a gift of quality junk food ensures the solicited home that they will not become victims of mischief. It is extortion, blackmail, and we get to do it dressed like a French Maid. What's not to like?!?! I'm trying to motivate my neighbors into adding a door-to-door costume component to Thanksgiving so I don't have to cook, but I digress.

Halloween also represents my wedding anniversary with Roxy. We got hitched on October 31 and she sometimes refers to my boudoir as the “Hall O’ Ween”, but I again digress, this time more tangentially with too much information.

I take the costume component of Halloween very seriously. Typically, I have an idea before the New Year and am hard at work on the costume proper by April. This year, a chance flicking through the channels brought me to the clear façade I will adorn for Drunken Candy Gathering 2005… Dog, Bounty Hunter. I call it! Mine!

For those of you that have not seen A&E’s outstanding reality series, Duane “Dog” Chapman is a poofy-mullet-headed hillrod transplanted to Hawaii with his tattooed clan of inbred trash. Dog looks like a 50 year-old pockmarked homosexual former pro-wrestler that just quit the midnight shift at 7-11, or the roadie for Judas Priest assigned to make sure there are fresh duracells in Rob Halford's butt plugs.



The show is a southern-fried blend of COPS, the A-team and Hee Haw; as the generally ill-educated misfit family of steroid-soaked hydrocephaloids working as bounty hunters collects tropical scum that skipped bail. They are not police, they don’t carry guns. They are brainstem-driven bullies granted jurisdiction by local law enforcement, because if you want to catch a loser, you best capitalize on the instincts of a loser. Birds of a feather, or something. He has 800 children, nieces and nephews that all are part of the criminal sequestration. They love George W. Bush and frequently adorn their sweaty BO-emitting bodies with American flag material. Talk about desecration!




Like any good white trash conflict, they arrest the wanted with a flurry of macho posturing and unbridled yelling. The group appears from the confines of their white dorky Astro Van and swarms wanted convicts like the ciminal was a case of Busch fallen off the delivery truck. All this while armed only with a can of mace in one hand and a Bible in the other. After capture, Dog and his family give the perp a good talkin’ to about Jesus and such.

Our Halloween costumes will be simple. I need to grow out my hair and then fry it with peroxide. Then, I need to leave the back long and stringy while trimming the top and greasing back the sides. Then I need to go to a gay fashion mart and buy a black mesh sleeveless t-shirt and some pointy black cowboy boots from the Western store. If Johnny Cash's family is still having an estate sale I'll be in business. Roxy will go as Beth, his wife. Her costume will be an American flag packed with pillows and a dozen volleyballs.

Halloween is only 258 days away so I best stop writing and get to costumery.

Conservatives: Can One of You Tell Me Why...

Why do all of the Bush supporters, conservatives, pundits etc. allow their sacred president to lie and distort our nation's fiscal state? Why do they allow him to play vodoo checkbook with the nation's money and our children's security?

I am extremely conservative when it comes to national and personal finances. It is sickening how we waste money and how we fail to hold politicians accountable for their spending indiscretions. Why don't other so-called Conservatives care? Can they not think? Are their heads so far up Bush's ass that they are afraid to criticize him? He either can't do math or is deliberately deceiving us. Either way, he should not be president.

Bush's medicare bill, passed last year, was passed on the premise that it would cost $300 billion over 10 years. Now, the Administration says that it will cost at LEAST 100 billion dollars a year! They were WRONG by 333% over 10 years, and this estimate comes only one year later! I'll bet you dollars to donuts that in ten years the cost will be 500 billion a year and lockstep Bush lovers will STILL support it as genius!

The 2005 budget is a joke. It is the most massive budget ever set before congress and does NOT include ANY money for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Who is he kidding? This is a BUDGET, DUMBSHIT! A budget contains money in versus money out, the net is debt or savings. You can't leave your massive planned expenditure out of the budget because it skews the numbers NOT in your favor! That is called "cooking the books", it is fraud, it is deception. Can Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, SOMEONE point this out!

If a CEO did this to a company the Feds would have the guy arrested, tried, locked up and banished from leadership positions. Why do we allow the president to keep lying to us?

The Republican Party wants to micromanage your personal decisions and options. They preach personal and fiscal responsibility, but NEVER practice what they preach! Can one good conservative tell me why they let the president distort and lie?

Valentine's Day Defense

It is Valentine's Day, named for Saint Valentine, the patron saint of the flower and greeting card industry. Although the idea is swell, it has turned into a bogus day of obligation, a day of defense. They should give cupid a goalie mask and cup!

As a guy, if you impress your woman on Valentine's Day then it is only evidence that you are not trying hard enough the other 364 days. The problem is, it is a lose-lose proposition. If you wait in line with the ten thousand other idiots at the florist for an hour to buy a $50 set of $5 roses, you have jump through the hoop successfully. You pass go, punch the spot on the card, you have fulfilled your obligation. Done. If you fail to produce you are shunned, a derilict of love duties.

I like to do nice stuff for the bride on a daily basis, and if on a normal day I were to produce stuff (flowers etc) then I am considered extra cool. Then I really get my card punched.

Guys, lets unify and make a pact. Let's not give into the corporate manipulation that is Valentine's Day. Make a point to spend your time, effort and money on a few other days over the course of the year. Let's send a message to Hallmark, florists, etc, a message that we will not be told when to show love and appreciation for our broads.

If You Liked Saddam--

You'll LOVE the Islamic Fundamentalist government soon to be in charge in Iraq, complete with all of the tolerance of diversity, human rights consciousness and love for America that a Middle Eastern religious supremasist state embodies. "Thanks USA, we couldn't have done it without ya!"

Yes, the results are in and the Shiites have won overwhelmingly in the Iraqi elections. Now that we've helped establish the foundation of Iran Lite, can we have our soldiers come home now? Maybe the "New and Improved" Iraq can help Iran develop nukes and we can invade them again. Third time's a charm!

The Islamic Fundamentalists have stated that all new Constitutional laws will be based on their religious doctrine. Personal freedoms will be limited by these laws and by scripture. Ultimately, policy decisions will be made by holy men and not by the people or experts. Science books will be labeled as fiction and desecration of national icons or symbols will be met with swift punishment. Criticism of the leadership will not be tolerated. You may be fired or imprisoned for points of view contrary to contemporary religious or national views.

Wow! Maybe they will be a lot like us, or are we getting like them?

Stamp Pad Hijinx

The year was 1991, the place was Stevens Point, Wisconsin and X24 and I were going out on the prowl for some primo woozle. While we were our chasing skirts we thought we'd promote our new fishing fan-'znie "Carp Angler". In the days before the internet we had to self-publish our prose at considerble expense to a limited audience that didn't want to pay for it.

Our marketing tactic was a rubber stamp with the PO Box info for the fishing tabloid. With this tool I could efficiently deface public and private property with the information that would ultimately earn us about twelve bucks.

X24 and I were in Buffy's, a big room crowed shoulder-to-shoulder with beer and drunken college losers, including us. I ambitiously stamped the ad all over their bathroom, over uninals, in stalls on the walls, you name it. I stamped a drunk chick's boob and some guy's forehead.

Around midnight I found myself drunk, with a ink stamp pad, and my information dispersed to saturation. I started to think laterally into general mischeif and hijinx...

I was talking to one woman and when she looked away I quickly tapped the open ink pad on the top of her beer bottle. With her next drink she installed a tiny black ring, right where the Hitler moustache would go. She walked around with the black circle, unknowingly. We were completely on to something! As the night wore on, little black circles graced the upper lip of 50% of the bar's inhabitants. I kept stamping bottle tops until almost everyone in the bar had a little circle right above their beer hole.

The fun went on until someone emptied Buffy's bar with a fart that smelled like someone burned a dead dog in a 55 pound bag of sulfur. It was intriquing to think about where those circles would end up as they migrated to other drunks through the frosty Wisconsin night, and how many people would gaze into the mirror the next day wondering "what the hell is that?".

JP2's Bogus Ash Friday

Pope John Paul Ringo George II was not feeling so hot this last week and was hospitalized through Ash Wednesday, a holy day in the Catholic calendar. It was the first time that the Pontiff was absent from the ritual head schmootzing in 26 years.

Steadfast believers typically trek to the Vatican to receive the pope's blessing and ashes directly from the Holy Father. Seeing as though he was hospitalized, the pilgrims received special dispensation to receive their anoiting on the following Friday in a private session upon the pope's return.

The following are images of two of his flock after he placed the ashes with all the surgical precision his affliction would allow.





There's a special place in hell for Schmootzie.

Got a Dictionary, Mr. President?

I urge you to write a letter to the president asking him to look up the word "policy" in the dictionary. For four years we have heard about his foreign policy and how it has been a critical facet of the war on terrorism. Clearly, President Bush, conservative supporters and radio mouthpieces determined that it was prudent, apporpriate, and consistent with the US foreign policy to invade Iraq because they held conclusive evidence that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction. That was the statement of our foreign policy as it applied to alleged terrorist nations prior to the invasion.

The dictionary defines "policy" as "A plan or course of action, as of a government, political party, or business, intended to influence and determine decisions, actions, and other matters"

North Korean President Kim Jong Il today announced that North Korea is pulling out of nuclear (pronounced nuke-u-ler) talks with the US and other nations. He says they have nuclear weapons (which qualify as WMDs) and he will make more.

Do you think Bush will enforce his stringent policy and demand disarmament with the consequence of invasion for non-action? Can he be consistent? Can he still be a tough guy when the opponent is formidable?

If he does not invade Korea it is then clear that the invasion of Iraq was purely for political gains, oil and to cover his father's failed attempt to topple Saddam.

Maybe the lefties were right afterall. Can I have my $4,000 back?

Ash Wednesday: Remind Us that We Suck

Growing up a reasonably well-trained Cathoholic boy I took part in most religious rituals. I ate the body and drank the blood like any brainwashed zombie. I rubbed the beads and recited the same verses over and over and over again, right after I confessed my indescretions to neighborhood's biggest gossip through a piece of screen.

I treated Ash Wednesday with ambivalence. Yes, I had to go to church and have the priest smash dirt on my head, but the upside was that the mass usually was short and happened at 3 pm or so, meaning we got out of school early.

From the ages of 0-10 it was no big deal. I went through the motions and let it happen. I didn't ask questions. That is how they like it. Yet sometime around the sunrise of puberty I started to actually listen to what they were telling me...

"Remember Kevin that you are dust and to dust you shall return...".

The next year I stood in church when Father Bob gave me the "dust you shall return" spiel and I had to chime in, "Isn't that a bit pessimistic?".

As I realized there is a time and a place for inquisitively innocent youthful statements that may be likely misunderstood, I watched Father Bob wet his thumb on his tongue and dig deep into the ash pile on a gold tray. Ashes precipitated from his thumb during its transit to my forehead where he ground the powder deep into my skin with great fervor, like he was smashing a bug on my forehead.

And to think I almost said, "I don't know where that thumb's been".

A mirror would later reveal that the dot was about 4 cm wide and black as pitch. Worse, he talked to my parents about it and they told me to stop questioning everything and that some things are just a mystery. They ordered me not to wash off the ashes, which were constantly raining down on my nose and cheeks.

It took a week for the grey branding of unwelcome religious introspection to disappear. In its place my dermal tectonics pushed forth a mountain range of zits. The giant grey dot earned me countless grundies, atomic wedgies and rear admirals from kids at school all week.

My church, priest and parents could claim "mission accomplished". The dirt on the head reminded me that God saw me as a useless piss ant, that my time was finite and that I needed to shut up, stop asking questions and follow His orders. Because he loves me. That's the point of Ash Wednesday, for Corporate Christianity to put you in your place and remind you of your useless lot in life. To me, there's nothing worse than some ignorant loser calling me a loser.

Mr. Salty = Mr. Stinky

Jie was a graduate student from China in my lab. We worked closely on similar projects and always ended up sharing the same space. In the Spring of 1993 I was learning that I was lactose intolerant-- the hard way. If I drank milk or ate milk products I'd emit vapors from every orifice, evil vapors, SBD.

To be polite, I would stand by the laboratory's fume hood which would vacuum transport my offal up into the atmosphere, probably burning a hole in the ozone. The system worked flawlessly, until one day I ate a container of yogurt. My colon inflatulated but someone was using fume hood for legitimate science, precluding its use in smell quenching.

The next best option was the walk-in cold chamber. I ran into the chamber and let it fly, thinking that the ambitious air exchange would vent my stench. Before I got to the "Ahhhhhh", Jie walked into the growth chamber. Her face shriveled with sourness and these words left her mouth...

"Smell like pretzel!"

The insuing gut-busting laughter only caused release of more Chinese-pretzel-smell gas in the room. I was so sick from laughing and farting that I collapsed on the floor and almost blacked out.

I've never been to China, but if I go I know I can cross pretzels off of my potential snack food list.

Don't Trade in Your Burka for Hot Pants Just Yet, Ladies

"I was wrong". Three words you won't hear from the Bush Administration, but three words that I use every time they are applicable. I predicted that the Iraq elections would bring a panel of American dupe puppets to power and that the new Constitution would be a facade of a document shipped in from Washington. I thought it would all be a way for the USA to plant itself in the Middle East with a bogus, fixed election.

Now I will eat a large plate of crow while scrubbing the blue leather dye off of my finger. Exit polls predict that the people of Iraq have overwhelmingly voted for Shiite extremist fundamentalists to draft their new constitution. They are demanding the new Constitution to be based from Islamic law and the Koran. Don't trade your Burka in for hot pants yet, ladies! The whole story has not been reported in the biased liberal American media, but can be read here.

Sheikh Ibrahim Ibrahimi is the right-hand man to a prominent Ayatollah and made public several statements yesterday:

"We advise the government not to take decisions which would shock Muslims, such as the conscription of Muslims and the publication of their photos with foreign instructors. We warn officials against a separation of the state and religion, because this is completely rejected by the ulema and marja and we will accept no compromise on this question. If they (the government) want the stability and security of the country, they must not touch the country's Islamic values and traditions".

In response, the Bush Administration has agreed to honor their wishes and let them establish an Iran-like Shiite religious empire. The troops will be pulled out to neighboring countries, then we can assume proof that if they are going to have a government like Iran, that's solid evidence that they have a nuclear program like Iran.

George Bush will show up on television and give them 48 hours to disarm. When they fail to produce something they don't have, we can shoot cruise missiles into the cities and then re-invade. The president can land on an aircraft carrier and proclaim "mission accomplished", we can spend several hundred billion more dollars and the right wing can puff out its chest at the overturning of a dictator like Sistani who will be found in a "spiderhole".

Then the Iraqi people will be allowed to vote in their own democracy. Maybe they'll get it right the next time. Or the next time. If not, we'll just keep re-invading until they do.

Super Bowl TMXXIXIXIXXVLLIXVXV

X24's grandmother called him and said she'd be watching the "super game" with her neighbor. Even the old folks are excited. Like the day after Thanksgiving, the Super Bowl^TM is one of a few things that captivates the American psyche.

Here in our other festival of consumption we're treated this year to a watered-down version. After Janet's ample busom was unharnessed last year the Puritanical do-gooders are out in force, electing to wheel out geriatric sensation Paul McCartney to deliver a family-friendly wad of ancient shit rock. The "Best Damn Sports Show, Period" was forced to change their name to the "Best Darn Sports Show, Period".

Who are they kidding? You can't can't polish a turd and you can't make football NOT a festival of manly testosterone celebration of self-absorbed obese drunken boob worship!

Sure, we won't see a wardrobe malfunction from 500 feet, but you'll get zooming skycam shots down cheerleaders' generous bubbling cleavage and nobody will complain. There will be ten commericals for boner pills and talk of four-hour erections being a bad thing. They'll try to sell us beer and booze and if they can somehow wrap a flag around your flaccid phallus they'll do it. They'll peddle crappy fast food and shitty fad diets, SUV's and sports cars, and a DVD player for $14.95 at Wal-Mart. Isn't any of this obscene?

Dammit! A booby is not the enemy of all that is moral and good. A booby isn't driving our culture into the crapper. A booby isn't driving our country into bankruptcy! Wake up!

I wish Paul McCartney would have had the balls to whip out his aged wrinkly schwantz, wave it into the camera, then plug it into a hole he drilled in his wife's leg. I wish he had the guts to push the envelope, hell, take a crap in the envelope and tell all that are watching that they are just dupes of the New World Odor. Give the censors something to censor.

Like sheep we buy into the Puritanical message without analyzing who/what/where the real evils are.

I'll Get Rich by Not Opening a Porn Shop

The I-75 corridor connects Tampa FL to the Georgia state line. Its length is punctuated by hundreds of signs advertising the numerous strip clubs and adult book stores.

Last year a keen entrepreneur wished to open a porn store in Alachua, FL at the busy intersection of I-75 and Route 441. Religious groups rallied against his endeavor and the Alachua City Council pulled every trick in the book to stop it. In the South, printed matter deemed offensive by Charley Church is either thrown on the kindling pile or a disclaimer is glued to the cover. Yet the adult-bookstore-owner-to-be filed everything correctly and was legally entitled to peddle his smut.

Dejected, the City of Alachua resorted to a good-ol-fashioned payoff to stop him. They gave him $24,000 to go somewhere else. He accepted.

***side note*** the roads, schools, sewers, and parks still suck in Alachua and there's no money to fix them, but there officially isn't a jack-mag dealer, so all is well.

I could use a little pin money, so I drafted a letter to the City of Alachua making them an offer they can't refuse. I agreed to not open a porn store for $5,000. Their preemptive acceptance would spare us all the un-niceties of dealing with courtrooms and lawyers and such.

I'm writing parallel letters to hundreds of municipalities across the Bible Belt. The anticipated revenues should be in the millions.

I then realized that a huge number of farmers receive subsidies to limit, or not grow specific crops. I may be a millionaire if I agree to not engage in farming altogether.

Essentially, I have again defined another path to the New American Dream, getting rich by doing nothing at the government's expense.

Teaching Foreigners to Talk Wrong

Being a scientist I have the pleasure of interacting with people from all over the world. Laboratories are revolving doors of postdocs, graduate students and visiting scholars that may or may not have mastered our verbiage. I appreciate the challenges of language, as I only have marginal command of the one I speak. I give a lot of credit to those that attempt to learn our language and I invest my time to foster their proficiency. Well, usually.

Li was from China and landed in the USA with a translation dictionary in one hand and a change of clothes in the other. At the time of landing he and his wife spoke zero English. He worked hard and caught on quickly. For a year I aided him through grammar, through usage and through vocabulary whenever possible. He made great progress. Then we got to idiom.

He would shoot me a blank inquisitive stare every time I would say something like "that dog won't hunt", "the apple does not fall far from the tree" and "the whole ball of wax" and I'd explain what I meant. I got an idea. What if I could have fun teaching foreign people to say completely stupid stuff?

One day while getting ready to go home from work I said, "See you later Li, I'll be leaving right after I get all my shit in one sock". He shot me the blank inquisitive stare. I explained, "That's what you say when you have everything together, you are prepared".

Later that week I heard him explain to a professor, "I'll be ready for the exam once I get all of my shit in one sock".

I had to run the other way with my fist in my mouth to not burst out laughing. I got back to my lab and was laughing so hard that I almost passed out from hyperventilation. I realized that I have created a new hobby, a can't lose hobby. I get a chuckle, the person being spoken to gets a chuckle, and at no real cost to the speaker!

Soon I heard Li say things like:

"That guy gave me the green weenie"
"Money is the root of all banks"
"You can't polish a baboon's red fanny"
"A silent clown loves hot German ham"
"Don't put all your ass in one basket"

I started to feel bad when others began to think that Li was not just making mistakes, but was clinically insane. I think he was getting wise to my deception. I decided to quit mis-advising him when he told me, "Scientists that think Li talk funny sleep by the fish".

'Nuff said.

Are We Mad Yet?

One year ago, for a few milliseconds, at 100 yards, we all were treated to a flash of Janet Jackson's booby.

This event paralyzed the media and sent waves of shock and awe through the country; how could such an atrocity be allowed to take place here? Panels were formed, commissions were organized and lawsuits were filed. Heads rolled, fines were levied. Tabloids elaborated on the alleged mishap and the water cooler was abuzz with different details about its size, shape and piercings. For the two weeks following the wardrobe malfunction the country was rocked by the controversy...

Me, I didn't care. I've seen a booby before, sometimes even two at once. No big deal. I was more worried about the giant stockpiles of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons aimed at the USA. After all, my president had undeniable, airtight evidence they'd be there and even placed our brave soldiers in harm's way to arrest their implementation.

Now, after the ballots are counted and he's still king, the Administration tells us that there are no weapons. Yet there's no statement that the war was based on false pretenses. No apology, no justification, no "oops". Nothing. Only a statement that they ain't there. Like sheep we flip the station to see what the wacky guys on Will and Grace are doing. We comment on Robin Meade's hair and wonder what Paris Hilton might be up to.

"Donald Trump is going to fire the blond guy tonight!"

The water cooler is quiet, commissions aren't forming, panels don't care. The ants keep bringing the sugar to the queen, the lemmings fall off the cliff. The brightly colored cars go around the track while dopes cheer and eat Moon Pies, the flag waves, Calendar pages fly off, the debt increases, soldiers die, we get dumber.

When will we ever hold the president accountable for bad policy and deception? Ever? Clinton was impeached because he got some skull and lied about it. At the time I said that he lied under oath and should have been removed from office. Does anyone other than me see that this is one billion times worse? Anyone? Anyone?

Is there someone out there that really believes the Ten Commandments and feels that President Bush, Condoleeza rice, Donald Rumsfeld et al., "bore false witness"? Where are you? Is there a good conservative that believes in personal responsibility and accountability? Where are you?

All I hear is a collective "Zzzzzzzzzzz". Nobody realizes we've been duped, and those that do either are saying nothing about it or are being squelched by blind supporters of the Administration and its crooked agenda.

Imaging of misplaced mammary tissue doesn't bring an end to great nation. If it did America would have been toast the day after Al Gore invented the internet. However, lies, distortions and misrepresentations without accountability from the leadership, tied to a population of apathetic, brainwashed, fat and happy Wal-Mart zombies certainly might. Goodnite America. Nice knowin' ya.

The Ground Hog-- a Gateway God

Ground Hog's Day is about as close as I get to a religious holiday. It is one day when I place my faith in something intangible and unproven; the belief that if some stinky rodent wakes up and comes out of its hole on a sunny day and looks down, it will magically control the progression of seasons.

GH Day was a high holiday in my home growing up. Just when the rest of the kids were bored silly with their Christmas toys, my dad would dress in a generic rodent suit and pretend to crawl into the house through the laundry shoot. He'd leave us toys in a nest of wood chips and eat some carrots we'd leave out. Sometimes we'd go out caroling, gaily singing songs to our neighbors about the day. That was our celebration of something that wasn't really true and was sufficient to satisfy our faith void.

Across this great land children will be taught the story and will be told to place their faith the ground hog. It is our society's way of using the schools to stealthly indoctinate the next generation into believing in what they are told rather than what is real, perpetrated by a cute, fuzzy, warm gateway god that will lead them down a path to believing in an omipotent angry invisible man and WMDs.

Just like any belief in a mysterious power, there is no proof that it works, no strong correlation, and nobody looking for it. The myth and faith in a rat predicting weather runs so deep that everyone knows of it and most believe it is accurate. Newscasts will feature the shadow sighting and talk of extended winter minutes before a meteorologist uses the lame tool of science to predict it. Then television viewers will get mad at the scientific method when it is incorrect, yet they won't hold the ground hog accountable. Just like religion!

Still, it seems safe and fun, so it is the one bit of faith and mysticism I can be comfortable with. Sure, it's no parting of the Red Sea or being born to a virgin, but then again, nobody has flown a plane into a skyscraper in the name of Punxsautawny Phil. Yet.

What Was She Thinking?

Roxanne has been accused of being an impulse buyer, but what corrupt, vile impulse fired through her synapses one day I will never know. The other night while scrounging for our 8:45 snack she produced the unlevened bread of the beast. The package looked safe, like generic oatmeal cookies, so I got a food chubby started. Then I saw that the were "Brown Rice Snaps". Not only were they Brown Rice Snaps, they were the ever popular "Tamari Seaweed" flavor. I shit you negative. Here it is...



They tasted like deep-fried cardboard manufactured from scabs, sand and hummus with a dainty hint of dog breath. What was the sexy-consumer Roxanne thinking, "I'd like a cracker flavor that would complement a shit and toothpaste pate"? Worse, what sick twit thought of this? Was it like the old commercials where a Japanese guy was meandering down the street eating seaweed and then turns the corner only to collide with the Arab man eating from a vat of tamari?

"You got tamari on my seaweed"

"You got seaweed in my tamari"

(both take bite and turn to camera, in unison extolling)

"It's delicious!"

(fade to black)

Somehow I don't think it went down this way. My guess is that some brown rice cracker manufacturer (insert red flag here) needed some flavor to spruce up its Wood-Pulp Rounds and found that the two cheapest additions would be sesame seed mash and the green crap that grows by the ton in the ocean. Approval from a few focus groups of old people that find it more palatable than dog food and Viola!... next stop Schmootzie's pantry!

Now I have to battle my waste-not want-not Polish genetics and somehow liberate them from my home without consumption. Maybe we'll keep them for after the next hurricane. Last time we ran out of food and were eating toilet paper, so this may be a step up in such a case. I still don't understand what favorable chemistry aligned in Roxy's coconut to trigger her "buy now" instinct. Maybe she'll pick up some kraut juice to wash them down.

To be fair, her disposition to roll the culinary dice and flirt with the creepy is probably the same impulse that got her me. She's willing to take a chance on something that looks bad, smells bad, and is intuitively a bad idea. That seemed to work out okay.