It Works Twice as Well On Lesbians!

Ever since I was a mischievious teen I adored the "Fuck her, I did" gag. We'd be driving down the road, drunk and full of achne and testosterone and see a male and female hand in hand, walking along the road in silent loving bliss.

"Fuck her, I did!" I'd blurt from the open window.

As the car sped off I'd turn the Circle Jerks tape up to eleven and laugh all the way home.

Today, 1000 miles away and 24 years later I see a couple walking down the street, hand in hand. I am tempted. As I come closer I see it is a woman and a woman. A two for one.

"Fuck her, I did", said the middle aged loser as he rolled up the window. As the car sped up I turned the Circle Jerks CD up to eight and laughed all the way home.

If the movies are any indicator the lesbians have a good sense of humor and probably laughed all the way home themselves.

Favorite Drinsk

Lately I have climbed onto the wagon and fastened my self down securely for a rockly hellish ride. I thought I would share some of my favorite recent cocktails...

Shirley Temple of Doom - 3 ounces of vanilla vodka, 1 can diet ginger ale, 1 oz grenadine

WMD - Wiser's deluxe and Mountain Dew - 3 oz WISER'S DELUXE, 1 can mountain dew or equivalent, mint sprig.

Buzz Aldrin - 3 Tablespoons Tang (sugar free is better) dissolved into a tumbler of lemon vodka. Pour over ice

What if there was no Golf?

How then would they describe testicle-sized hail?

Watch the Sopranos Finale.... Suckers.

Yes, it was the show of shows, the great award-winning spectacle that YOU paid to see, week after boring week. As I mentioned before I know about he Sopranos because Mrs. Schmootzie has tuned in occasionally(when it actually on) since its pilot.

After the first season I got sick of watching some fat-ass dork violently injure or kill other people, along wtih a never ending revolving door of new disjointed characters that added nothing to the plot. I refused to watch. But, I started to get suspicious...

The show would win awards when it was certainly on hiatus. It would be acknowledged for its clever writing and edgy plot line... something had to be afoot. I thought the writing sucked, the characters were flat and the story was an isolated DOA wreck.

This year I watched from the corner of my eye, the bored eye, that saw through the bullshit. I started to think. This show sucked so supremely that it HAD to be an experiment. How much could they show crap before anyone would notice?

The American Consumer wouldn't! Yes, at Sopranos parties and bars across the nation the Jimmy Buffet played loud and long until the opening theme. You raised your Miller Lite to the ceiling in your tribal tatooed arm and whooped an enthusiastic groan. The HBO show came on an you watched with baited breath for the demise of a boring fake Italian guy. Sucker.

From what I hear yesterday's show was the pinnacle of suckage, but still, the show will win many awards and be regarded as excellent. The line to see the ending of the Sopranos movie will go on for blocks... here it comes!

You bought it and you will continue to be swindled. You'll be first in line when that crap comes to the big screen. Trust me frat fuck. You are a piece of shit that succombed to the chloroform of pop cultural bullshit that was placed under your schnoz. You would not know quality if it bit you in the ass.

Trust me, when the smoke clears you'll see... it was a joke, a joke on you. You bought it, looked forward to it, loved it, wanted more. It was crap, bullshit... and you bought into it. Sucker.

The Lord of the Lot

While stuck in Charlotte Airport I was standing in the security line with many of my sweaty BO-ey brethren. The people next to me were locals, as judged first by the fact that when they were asked to remove their shoes for airport security they answered, “Ain’t got none” and the fact that the woman kept referring to her ex as “My baby’s daddy”. The real tip off came from the fact that they talked to a fellow Nas-tard about the busy airport and the insufficient allocation for storing the vehicles of local commuters.

“Parking sucks here”, one said.

The other said, “Yep, but when we need a spot we just say a prayer ‘cause the Lord always answers prayers in parking lots”.

The group then dragged their knuckles through security and proceeded to their gate.

As I thought about this more it was clear—this is one exceedingly rare instance where someone’s personal savior must have an almost unblemished track record. Certainly, the only parking lot that does not exhibit some turnover is the junk yard. If you wait long enough (with or without a prayer) you almost certainly will get a parking spot, if not the whole lot. The fundamental nature of a parking lot relies on cars coming and cars leaving; a perpetual ebb and flow. Talk about a self-fulfilling situation!

I left one part out of the previous dialogue between the three people with six first names. One of them said, “Well we found a spot right away, so we knew he was watching us”.

Yep. An omnipotent and omnipresent being can’t feed the children, stop disease, or hasten the end to war. Instead, he’s helping two dimwits with 80’s haircuts and clothes they got for free when they turned in enough cigarette proofs of purchase find a spot for their LeMans.

Kelsey Too

Yes, another person has been abducted and now found un-alive. Somebody abducted here from a Target parking lot in the light of day. I watch the news and feel an emptiness as a vibrant young over achiever has now succumbed to the whimsy of the scum of our society.

I'm really pissed. Where are the guardian angels and gods? They are becomming as unreliable as superheroes, maybe they always where.

It is high time that we start to evaluate the whack jobs. When we consider kooks among us, let's pay close attention to the red flags. Somebody knew the VT nut and when they capture this bastard they will say, "Yup, we knew he'd snap, he was stalkin' here for a long time".

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and the wackos firmly in your crosshairs. Somebody has got to clean house. These dangerous assholes are the scourge of our society.

Ambrotose... Shame.

Last week 20/20 ran a story on Ambrotose, a dietary supplement containing 8 sugars. These "critical sugars" are the basis of seemingly miraculous cures if you believe the testimonials. Worse, people are giving up conventional treatments in favor of a true sugar pill.

This is a multi-level marketing scam. It is not prescribed by physicians, it is sold out of the trunks of cars by realtors, Wal-Mart cashiers and taxi drivers. You should read the testimonials and heated discussion the the ABC website!

The worst part is, there is a shred of truth in the science. Glycobiology is the study of carbohydrate modification of proteins and other biological molecules to regulate their stability, localization and/or activity. The work is important and has been published in major medical journals. There is no tie to directly treating disease and the only supportive studies were performed by Mannatech, the company that make the stuff. These snake oil peddlers use these studies to sell their placebo to wide-eyed dill holes that don't know science from bullshit.

Instead of raising the bar, I posted a testimonial. It read something like this...

All I can say is that I know somebody that had diabetes, cancer, MS, ALS and was deaf and blind. Rotten luck! After a few hours on Ambrotose his vision came back, his hearing started for the first time in his life and all of the other diseases were gone in a few days! Now a lot of people will say that testimonials are not sufficient evidence, that you need double-blind placebo controlled studies in large study groups before a biologically active compound can be determined effective, even safe. Hogwash! It is important that people willing to take these products do so, give them to their children, forego immunization, spread the word that these cures are out there. With Ambrotose you can reject evil science and medicine and go with supplements! Read the testimonials- they seem to work on everything! It is important that if stricken ill that promoters of Ambrotose stick to their guns and use it, and give up all attempts at conventional treatments! Pray too! DO NOT RESORT TO EVIL SCIENCE and CORPORATE SCAM MEDICINE! This will save money for our health industry and make our country a better place. Thanks, Chuck Darwin

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. It is sad that people are bypassing their physicians' advice and taking sugar pills instead. However, I complain all the time about how America is getting more stupid every day. My guess is that with each bottle sold, malaties will go unchecked, dumb people will die and our collective IQ inches upward. Maybe there is a silver lining after all.

Not the Drunk Guy's Fault!

A few weeks ago St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock died when his SUV crashed into a tow truck and stalled vehicle. Tragic. However, the tragedy becomes a little less meaningful when you find out that Hancock was twice over the legal drunk limit and was not wearing a seatbelt. He was speeding 26% over the legal limit and was talking on his cell phone. He also had a bag of weed in his car, but they have not yet reported that he was high as a hippy.

So, let's review. He's drunk, speeding, on the phone, not wearing his seatbelt and possibly gooped on dope. Sounds like he may have sown a situation for the Grim Reaper to do some reaping.

His family has held up his senseless death as a platform to educate children about drunk driving. They have his death to serve as the centerpiece of driver safety campaigns for seatbelt use, driving at posted limits and deferring the use of cell phones for the appropriate time.

NOT!

Josh Hancock's family is now suing the bar he was drinking at, the tow truck he hit, and the guy who's car was stalled on the road. Of course, Josh's death is CLEARLY their fault.

I demand that the judge throw this out of court and then order the U.S. Air Force to shoot sidewinders into the homes of his family. Clearly Darwinian forces are alive and well here only one generation too late.

Once again, a tragedy turns into an extra super bad tragedy because of greed.