A (Wasted) Golden Opportunity

Crisis and opportunity travel together. The devastating tsunamis that struck the Indian Basin bought a golden opportunity for the Bush administration to positively influence world opinion and bolster our sagging world perception. We could have met the crisis with unlimited aid, both financial and military. This may have possibly influenced the thinking of a billion-plus people that currently harbor nothing but distain for our country.

Instead, we send 35 million dollars, the cost of a couple of military toilet seats. We're spending this much every 4 hours in Iraq. Heck, Wal-mart was given six million in incentives to build a supercenter in Beaver Dam, WI!

As a tax payer I want my money to go to aid, to increasing our charity, building an admirable world presence. Our President can certainly spend a billion a day to remodel the Middle East without a problem, why not invest in something not evil?

Once again, the administration is short sighted. Indonesia and South-East Asia in general are predominantly Muslim, and they ain't thrilled with the USA. Maybe a quick response of kindness that equals or exceed the cost of war would change the way others think about us. WWJD? Such actions may be an investment in our own future as our tarnished imperial reputation might morph to an empathetic and giving one. Future Osamas may be influenced now, so we don't have to get out the big checkbook to hunt and kill them later.

Not only is it cheaper to be kind, it is just the right thing to do. Just a thought, don't hold your breath.


Happy New Year!

Saint Joe, Real Estate Magnate

My sister was trying to quickly sell her house. She placed a sign in the window and put the word on the street. After weeks of inquiring phone calls and a sorry set of guided tours, she began to think that she would not sell her home in time to cover the expenses associated with the purchase of her new home. She needed a miracle...

She had heard that if you buried a statue of Saint Joseph (the patron saint of children's analgesics) upside down in the back yard, his mystical powers would magically entice a potential buyer into seeking your home, leading to the eventual sale. So instead of listing on the internet or putting an ad in the local paper, she sought intercession of the biblical carpenter and proceeded to a local Christian icon dealer to purchase a statue of St. Joe. Within the hour it was entombed in dirt, upside down, where it began to wheel and deal in the ether, searching for a prospective buyer.

A day passed, two days passed. Two weeks later the phone rang and a motivated buyer was on the other end. A miracle! The upside-down tiki had sold the home!

---

After hearing this story I attempted to inject the sorry tool of rational thought into the process. Of course, my family didn't appreciate that I was poo-poohing the clearly fruitful efforts of an inverted resin likeness of Jesus' old man.

I proposed a test, a scientific test. If the icon of St. Joseph is solely responsible for the divine sale of the home, we should be able to test this hypothesis scientifically by burying him in the yard of a home that is not for sale. External purchasing interest in the home would be a clear indication that the tiki alone is out peddling real estate. Heck, I'd sell my house if the price was right!

I went online and found a zillion websites selling kits with St. Joe to sell the home. Certainly nobody would be profiting off of this! I ended up buying it from this website . I happily buried the home-selling-mogul icon upside down in a hole behind my house. I went inside, cracked a beer and waited inside for the phone to start ringing. Days passed, months passed, and still, no interest in our home. Apparently I was the victim of a mystical real estate bubble.

The bottom line is, if you rely on your own hard work and careful planning, you will can effectively sell your home, car or even ice cubes to an Eskimo. It is fun to believe in icons and magic, but give yourself a little credit. My sister invested money, time and effort to market her home and with those efforts coincidence struck.

By the way, she never went back to exhume the statue, and it sits there to this day. I wonder if the new owner is getting phone calls everyday to sell his house. I'll guess not.

Luggage vs. Chubbage?

When Roxanne and I got the airport she checked in and placed her suitcase on the scale.

"That's 60 pounds, and 10 pounds over your personal limit... that'll be $25 extra", the clerk said.

Roxanne, who weighs 105 soaking wet, paid the fee and we turned to leave. The guy behind us was enormous, 300 pounds at least. He checked a 20 pound bag and didn't have to pay extra.

Roxanne put 165 pounds on that plane. The obese guy put on 320, almost twice what she put on. But she had to pay extra.

Maybe airlines should ticket passengers by their total weight. After all, that is what defines how much fuel is used to escape gravity.

Is It Getting Creepy Yet?

---- A Photo Montage to Make You Queezy ----

A hallmark of an evil dictatorship is to create artwork and signage that potrays the leader in a favorable way in conspicuous public view. This propaganda reinforces their rule. There's no need for it other than as a reminder of who is in charge. It's a good thing it can't happen here!

Megadittoes, fellow shithead!

The other day I turned on Rush Limbaugh to treat my superior informed brain to a sedating dose of pedestrian misinformation and easy logic. My dialing was coincident with a new call that went something like this...

Rush: We have Glen from Port Richie Florida, welcome to the EIB network, hello.

Glen: Megadittoes Rush, God bless America and President Bush. I just was thinking about the idea that the lefties say that a lot of birds will be extinct by the end of this century. That PROVES evolution doesn't exist because the birds would evolve and not become extinct!

(Now I'm thinking that Rush is a partisan dupe and a brainwashed brainwasher, but I never thought of him as completely stupid. Until now.)

Rush: Excellent point! You know the goofs on the left would say that if man didn't exist they'd be fine and that explains why the birds don't evolve!

(Wow, my mind was reeling. Could they really think that cumulative manifestations of genetic variability can be selected for in a few generations? Do they even remotely understand what they are talking about?)

Glen: That's all, I just wanted to tell you that.

Rush: Great call.

Me: Oh shit.

Of course, how could I expect these people to partake in hard scientific discourse when they only exist because of a demand for partisan banter, general misinformation and factual distortion?

I turned off the radio and farted audibly. Somehow its concise, subtle message was more meaningful.

Double Dark Dongola

In 1989 I drove to Memphis, TN with Brooks and Tim to visit Graceland. Chicago to Memphis takes one down I-57 through southern Illinois, and within miles of the sleepy little berg called "Dongola".

The road sign that said "Dongola" was a serious hoot to us three hungover 20-somethings that developed clever advanced adult senses of humor while still maintaining regressingly juvenile ones. Although the goal was Graceland, the car somehow pulled itself to the right, up the exit ramp and right turned toward Dongola.

We ate some food, took some pictures and hung out until the word "Dongola" wasn't funny anymore. That took about 10 minutes.

Turn the clock ahead 23 years to 2002. I'm in Madison Wisconsin talking eclipses with my friend Brian. We were dreaming of where we would each view the next total solar eclipse, August 21, 2017. It's good to plan ahead. Brian obtained maps detailing the path of totality. He decided that he'll watch from the clarity of the Wyoming mountains. I extrapolated the path eastward until I happened upon a familiar haunt...

"DONGOLA", I said, "That is where I will watch the eclipse! The slim path of totality passes right through the Dongola metropolitan area!"

Since we had 2017 taken care of the next logical move was to plan for the next eclipse, April 8, 2024, only 7 years later. This stripe will darken the US from Canada to Mexico, passing over the great lakes and, you guessed it, through south-central Illinois. The precise path brings it over Dongola, IL! Amazing! Of all the places in the country Dongola will be the intersection, a point of cosmic convergent coincidence between two rare astronomical events! Impossible odds!



I think the desk clerk at the Dongola Super 8 is probably just composing herself from laughing at my request to book rooms on these days. She says they only go forward "a year or so".

Needless to say, I've written to Super 8 corporate headquarters to book the entire hotel on my visa as soon as possible. I will then sell the rooms to people that want to sit in the same place for two spectacular celestial events. That place is Dongola, Double Dark Dongola. I wrote to their Chamber of Commerce and told them that I'll make the website for them; DoubleDarkDongola.com. They too saw no utility. Hell, if you live in a town named "Dongola" you better be pimping your space events or step up the manufacture of novelty latex items. They just don't get it.

By the way, I've checked the weather reports and it looks like both days will be clear and glorious.

White Trash Iron Chef

In preparing to leave Gainesville for the holidays I focused my last week on cleaning out my refrigerator. I decided to transform the chore into a game. The goal was simple; to see if I could prepare all of my perishables, leaving a refrigerator only of condiments and unfinished beers. The rules were: 1. I had to create only one dish each day, 2. I could buy no additional food, and 3. I had to use EVERYTHING. I coined the concept "White Trash Iron Chef".

I won't bore you with the details of the first six days, for they were reasonable. As I made my way through the refrigerator eating all the good food (aided by the tomato-basil recipe from http://thehungryblogger.blogspot.com, sub'd walnuts), I gradually concentrated all things bad. Today, day 7, was the most evil challenge. At 7 AM I stood in my kitchen, rolling sushi seaweed and sticky rice around sweet potatoes, smoked salmon, dill and cream cheese. There's a fine line between su-shi and su-shit, and this time it didn't turn out bad!

I made an array of sushi fit for a toilet. There was creamed-corn, butter, cucumber sushi, and garlic, mozarella, A1, lettuce sushi (that was ok). Peanut butter and jelly sushi was a little gnarly, but the sun-dried tomato, basil, mozzarella sushi was good too, but not worth repeating.

Waste not, want not and I want not. I accomplished my feat, not a crumb left behind. Necessity is the mother of invention and hunger ain't a bad cook!

Insurgent Fashion Don'ts

Contributed by Mr. Scorpio, Deparment of Homeland Garmentry

I have watched the US-dominated urban fire fights to control Iraqi cities and one thing is for sure-- American soldiers look like fine soldiers of the future, festooned in the latest high-tech fashion and accessories. The enemy, well, let's just say they don't elevate the state of combat frock. In fact, it sometimes looks less like we are fighting an insurgent army and more like we are fighting the Salvation Army!

While some men opt for the traditional dishdasha robe, it is not ideal combat garb. Even a tea-length cut is easy to trip over when fleeing, and that conspicuous red-and-white-checked headscarf behind the sniper rifle is as clear as Oprah's rump in her Christmas thong. Cripsis people! Guerrilla warfare has a macho grungy flair and you ain't got it. Nobody fears a man in a dress, especially when you accessorize like a fasting Kurd, pa-leeeze! You are working your way UP to orange jumpsuit!

Today's metrosexual urban combatants opt for that outfit that only looks good on a stunning black man. You know the look, 80's rugby shirt, bananna-yellow Sansabelt pants and strappy sandals. It's a fine ensemble if you're going to jerk me a slurpee, but hardly ideal for sporadic exchanges of fire when holed up in a beseiged mosque! And the white belts! Damn people, Eid ul-Fitr has come and gone and that stuff should have been tossed in the Tigris by Labor Day.

And what's with the bag over the head? The stuffy Middle East heat and recylcled impure air is a breeding pool for blackheads. Your comrades will be out setting roadside rockets and you'll be extracting nose-side pus pockets. Winston Churchill himself once said, "A critical part of liberation is microdermabrasion" and that too is in the Bush Master Plan.

In short, if you are going to wrangle with the blue-eyed infidels you'll want to look fabulous doing it. The world's cameras are on you fellas, so vogue for it. Don't worry, after you vote next month you'll have Abercrombie on every point of the Sunni Triangle and Gucci will open throughout the Shiite Rhombus.

Submitted with love, peace out,

Mr. Scorpio

Please insert 50 cents for the next 10 minutes of liberation...

"The people will be crushed under the burden of taxes, loan after loan will be floated; after having drained the present, the State will devour the future."
Fredric Bastiat, 1850.

Americans would not support the war in Iraq if they had to actually finance it in real time. If we each had to budget and pony up $100 per month (cash or certified check, no credit cards) to finance our military the war would end tomorrow. This is the beauty of the government... they take our money from our check, it is gone, we don't monitor where it goes. We are personally comfortable with not saving and very comfortable with deficit spending. Therefore, a war means zero personal sacrifice (unless you are one of the soldiers that has to do it).

That's not the way it used to be. A decision to go to war was a national committment to sacrifice. It was everyone's responsibility and liability. We desperately need to start financing our wars like we used to, with War Bonds. There was a time when American politicans were just as evil, connected and corrpupt, but they were fiscally-conservative and monetarily-responsible crooks. Now, Bush and congress have a big, blank, bottomless checkbook that they can overdraft until they are no longer accountable. Conservatives tell him how brilliant he is while their kids and grandkids will be stuck with the tab for his chloroform-- fuck the future! That's family values. I'll be an old broke dude. Thank the deity of your choice that I like cat food. If it were not devious, it would be genius!

Call your congress person and suggest the re-implementation of War Bonds to pay for all overseas military activities. No money, no war. Freedom isn't free, right? It's easy for Joe Confederate Flag to scream for a war in the middle east as long as he can still make the payments on his leased Silverado and enjoy a Moon Pie a day and NASCAR on sattleite. Let's present every American with a bill of $100 a month to finance the war, an amount consistent with current projections. See how much the government collects! I'll guess none. We won't have it if we don't get to keep our toys.

Bottom line, if spoiled Americans couldn't afford Tivo, SUV's and the Swiffer Wet Jet because they had to pay for an endless, misconceived war in Iraq, the troops would be home tomorrow and the Bush Imperial Dynasty Attempt II would be a failed memory in the history books.

They know exactly what they are doing. Don't be a sucker.

You Can't Have it Both Ways!

Okay Brainiacs, you put it together... Answer TRUE or FALSE. (please note, there are NO comments that debate against my assertions)

1. In a recent press conference a soldier complained to Rumsfeld about inadequate armor, many others applauded.

2. Unarmored vehicles are insufficent in a theatre where enemy tactics include use of roadside ordinates.

3. The Bush Administration elected to implement unarmored vehicles in troop transport; the Administration could have delayed invasion until soldiers were sufficiently protected.

4. Haliburton Inc., Vice President Cheney's company in which he has significant interest, has made billions of dollars from non-competitive contracts.

5. Billions of dollars could have armored thousands of Hummers, or even built factories to build armored vehicles.

6. Many families will face their first Christmas alone without a father or mother, and it will remain that way forever.

Face it, if you answered TRUE to all of these you support our troops. If you answered FALSE to ANY of these you clearly suppport the interests of your sacred president and hypocritical political party over those of the soldier in combat. Period.

Now, go scrape the "Support Our Troops" decal off of your rusty bumper and replace it with the "We Support Our President No Matter What, So Just Fuck Off and Quit Asking Questions" sticker.

You can't have it both ways. Either the Adminsitration made a collossal mistake and is indirectly responsible for deaths arising from inadequate protection in an optional war, or the soldiers are lying, everything is peachy keen and Bush et al. are doing the right thing. Pick one. You can't have it both ways this time! Gotcha.

Patience, Mr. President

new artwork from Kevin F. (aka. Randolph Mantooth)

Homos=Bad; Hillbilly=Good

Part 3 in the series Identifying the Real Enemy of America

In political circles it is popular to not support gay marriage. Opponents of such an institution are typically paranoid old white males and other intolerants that see a small number of homosexuals as a legitimate threat to family and country. To me, a couple of guys that like baloney in the can are the least threatening thing around. I speak from experience. Some of my favorite, long-term, balanced couples are guy-guy and gal-gal.

Whereas my gay friends have stable careers, rational ideas, upstanding morals and impeccably-appointed homes, they are not allowed the benefits typically associated with a life-long (even church-recognized) commitment. Each of the couple must carry their own insurance, they must make special arrangements for legal/ownership/financial issues, and those with children cannot benefit from full parental rights from both partners. Is this pro-family?

On the other hand, Cooter and his wife have 10 kids, feed them with government funded food stamps, receive Medicaid, and take take take from our bankrupt government. He can waste his unemployment check on a Jack Daniel's mirror and a #3 hat. Somehow all of his discretions are ignored when he sticks Ol' Glory in the yard, a “Bush/Cheney ’04” sticker on his car with no wheels and grass growing out of it, and a savior-on-a-stick on his wall. Somehow he’s a “good American”. At least we don’t have to pay much for dental insurance, as it is cheap to maintain a couple of teeth. His babies will have babies at 14 and you, me, and my gay friends with good jobs get to pay for that too.

Why is the latter acceptable and the former not? That’s right, it’s the old Great Big Book of Paranoia again. Let's be rational and think about who the contributors and the takers really are. Let's make good decisions that are fair to all and based on facts, not beliefs. Most of all, let's choose our intolerance wisely. Let's not tolerate sloth, laziness, and sponging off the broken system. That seems like a better idea to me.

100% PRO LIFE (in general)

I'd be much more sympathetic to the anti-abortion groups if they were intellectually consistent:






And always read that right-wing pro-life fine print!

Hey "The South"... Let it Go!

I never really knew about "The South" until I moved to Northern Florida from Wisconsin. Just about all of the myths and sterotypes are in fact true. Southern Hospitality is understated up north, as resident folk certainly extend a kind gesture whenever possible. Other traditions like food, family, etc are maintained here and make it a pleasant place to live.

However, while some traditions are important, others are best not perpetuated. These long-standing trends, some disturbing and freaky, are also maintained. Confederate flags wave proudly and some bumper stickers extoll "Free the South". Many here long for the Good 'Ol Days, simpler times when they could collar up the Negroids, slap around the woman and get no back sassin' from the childrens. Free the South? Election Red/Blue maps reveal it not only to be free, but even in charge!

You might think The South is free if it were not sucking the more productive parts of the nation dry. Of the ten states receiving the most federal aid and paying the least, and 5 of these are in The South, four are "other red states", one is Washington DC (not a state at all!). Eight of the ten states that receive the least federal aid pay the most and these are blue states, most being Yankee blue. Free the damn North!

Here are some simple points that are not well understood here:

1. The Civil War is over.
2. Dale Earnhardt is dead and not coming back.
3. It is difficult to display a symbol of hate in good taste.
4. That "... you could be a redneck" stuff was funny in 1986, but is a bit tired now.
5. You can bring your dog into the house during the hurricane.
6. What the world thinks does matter.

Bedtime for American Technology

Last night I got so jaked I blew lunch. It was the 6th Street Station Christmas party and I got to spend time with Luis, a neat guy and hard-core Republican. He likes to talk to me about political issues because he knows I think for myself and make decisions based upon my synthesis, not just the ideological goop spewed by major parties. Sometimes I have a unique opinion, and sometimes it is consistent with his. We meandered to the topic of American superiority in technology, especially biotech, a topic proximal to my little geeky science heart.

Luis says that America will be a superpower in all areas because "We kick ass". I told him that China and Korea have issued statements proclaiming intent to become the world's technological superpower in ten years.

Luis disagrees, as we will always "kick their asses".

I argue that we are raising a generation of idiots. We can't teach the fact of evolution in a handful of states. Instead, kids are taught the alternate idea that the earth is 3000 years old, in the center of the universe and flat as Paris Hilton's upper torso. Our children are taught that facts can't be trusted-- that scientists are wrong, deceptive and possibly evil.

How will America possibly compete in technological disciplines that are fact based, when we fail to acknowledge facts over beliefs? I see a faint "game over" light flashing in the distance.

Support the Troops ( Bring Them Home)

I can't take it anymore. Daily reports of American soldier deaths coincide with eroding rationale for still being in Iraq. I am literally sick from the fact that families are being destroyed and lives are being changed forever. When will it stop?

The right-wing media kooks, rednecks and warmongers tell me it is impossible to support the troops if you are not in favor of the war. They say that the dissent comforts and aids the enemy, hence does not support the soldier.

What twisted logic. These men and women signed up for a valiant purpose-- to DEFEND our nation and support its Constitution. That is commendable, and I am grateful for their commitment. However, they are currently being manipulated as pawns for profit. I feel the less commendable agendas of the United States leadership should not use these brave people as an occupying force in an example of nation building where US corporations and Vice Presidents are profiting from their generous service. That's crap.

The best way to support the soldiers in Iraq is to do whatever you can do to influence the system that put them there to bring them home. The bottom line is, an American miliarty presence will now occupy Iraq (and eventually other sovereign nations) indefinitely. Remember, the time horizon on this imperial adventure was a year or two a year or two ago. What is left of valiant Americans will continue to be zipped into plastic bags as long as our flawed leaders demand to Americanize the un-Americanizable.

If you support what is right, if you are pro-life, pro-child or pro-family, do whatever you can to bring our soldiers home so that they can return to their homes, careers and families.

What a Piece of Shit

I always wanted to meet Tim's goofball uncle. Uncle Bill retired to the shores of Lake Tomahawk in Northern Wisconsin. There he stewed as an inventor and radio astonomer, fueled by healthy doses of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I would finally get to meet Uncle Bill at Tim's wedding after 10 years of anticipation. I introduced myself and we nursed a highball and made small talk; he already had quite a few.

Knowing he was a radio astronomer I thought I'd mention a common interest in stargazing. I said, "Uncle Bill, I heard you're an amateur astronomer... me too... I have a 10-inch Dobsonian scope with fantastic optics."

He looked at me, pondered, and rather sternly announced with a slurring flourish--
"WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT!"

I was blown away. Here I waited a decade to meet him just so he could tell me that I was an idiot.

Bible Code Predicts 9-11!

I predict you are now responsible for the deaths!

I watched a television show on the History Channel, a special describing the "Bible Code". As the story goes, the writers of the Old Testament allegedly installed cryptic messages into the Hebrew letters of the text. While the text itself is typical bible-speak, these hidden messages are crystal clear to the right computer program and tell vivid details of past and future events.

Apparently when analyzed there are blocks of local text hiding details of future events, such as "Wright Brothers / Airplane" and "Kennedy" / "Will be Assassinated" / "Oswald". In fact, one Bible Code researcher claims that he accurately predicted the terrorist attack of 9-11. He indicates the Bible Code clearly reveals "Bin Laden" and "Twin Towers" and "Airplane". He claims that the date of 9-11-2004 was apparent along with the names of several of the hijackers.

Can someone please make sure this dickhead is arrested and locked in a room with the 9-11 families and 3000 hot metal pokers?

Let's assume the Bible Code assertions are correct; that they can predict the future with cryptic messages in the Bible. We’ll assume he predicted this attack. We’ll assume he knew it would be by airplanes into the World Trade Center and that he knew the names of the hijackers and the date.

Now, if he knew of the attack, why didn’t he tell anyone? This was 100% preventable! Mohammad Atta could have been arrested at the gate. Box cutters could have been seized. Planes could have been grounded and the towers and pentagon evacuated. If he knew in his heart that the Bible is the irrefutable code-encrusted word of God, and is an accurate predictor of impending events, why did he do nothing with this critical information? Certainly the Commander in Chief welcomes direction from the Lord!

It is easy to predict the future once it has passed. Let's hold the Bible Code for what it is. It is either coincidence and fraud, or treasonous. Be careful before you open your eucharist hole.

If it is possible to predict tragedy and suffering using ancient text, then we need to hold God himself accountable. If the Bible Code is real then it means God is toying with us, making us meaningless little souls suffer catastrophe because we can't solve his crossword puzzles fast enough.

The Next 9-11: A Prediction

As it is December 7 it may be reasonable to gaze into the crystal ball and posit on the next day that will live in infamy. The next terrorist attack on the United States will not be a plane into a skyscraper. It will not be a nuke in NYC or a dirty bomb in LA. The next attack will silently exploit our collective faults as spoiled Americans in 2004. Collectively we have declined from resourceful, clever, giving people to a selfish, inept, pussified, stupid populace.

An approaching hurricane clears the WalMart shelves. Scared losers will hoard Moon Pies and Pop Tarts, Bud Light and bullets, water and ice; while others are forced to fend for themselves in substandard shelters. When the shit hits the fan a substantial number of Americans develop an "I've got mine, screw you" mentality. A true sustained crisis will divide us faster than a Presidential election.

The next attack will key off of this selfishness, unpreparedness and pervasive woosie-ism. The attack will be modeled after the 1980's Tylenol scare. Essentially, a deadly undetectable poison will be added to 1000 food or medicinal items across the nation over a short time frame. There will be a few in New York City, a handful down the West Coast, and scattered small towns in between. Many people will die before the pattern emerges. The rest of us will lose all confidence in the available supply of food and medicine-- the old stuff in the pantry and medicine cabinet separates you from death. Eating to survive will become Russian roulette. Your next bite could kill you... that's terror.

You say it can't happen, that we are a Christian nation, WWJD?... Sure, there are a few that do the right thing when the chips are down, but I've seen self-proclaimed Christian parents trade punches because of a referee's call in their kids' soccer game. I've seen people with fish on their bumpers race an old man for a parking space and people flip the bird trying to leave a church parking lot. Think about it. I'm not so cynical to say that everyone would do the wrong thing, but when preservation of self is the issue, a substantial number will work for personal gains to the detriment of the whole. When abject survival is on the line, all bets are off.

The scary part is, I have anticipated this for some time, and felt that my fears were so diabolical and real that they best not be broadcast in a public forum. But now the Bush Administration's Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson recently revealed:

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do."

Now that the damn cat is out of the bag I feel a little freer to write it down. If I can think of it you KNOW they have. Maybe it is a good impedus to prepare for such an attack. You heard it here first...

Spellcheck This!

Did I really need some egghead at microsoft to build checks for my inappropriate use of vulgarity?





It is disconcerting that people are so functionally illiterate that they require software to assure proper use of foul language.

The Paris Hilton Experiment

Take a look behind the curtain. We have been the unknowing participants of a sociological experiment. Someone wanted to see if the American public is stupid enough to become a willing consumer of something that consists of absolutely nothing, and then demand daily doses of it. Of course, years of McDonald's, Seinfeld, and pet rocks should have told them that their hypothesis was correct. However, the Paris Hilton Experiment included an added dimension. In return for our consumption of an empty product we get absolutely nothing in return.

Her resume’' is a short one, consisting of training and job experience as a “"Socialite"”, yet she is one of Barbara Walters’' TOP 10 MOST INTERESTING PEOPLE of 2004. Ergo, to be considered “interesting” to Barbara Walters you need to be a millionaire heiress that uses her wealth and platform for nothing other than mindless self-promotion.

Paris Hilton embodies the shallowness that defines American pop culture. She lives a life in a spotlight of decadence followed by cameras. Who fucking cares? Certainly, she, her publicists and the tabloids think someone does, and allegedly someone does or she’d go away. To the contrary, she daily graces the news with a mishap, a television appearance or an "“Oops, a sex tape leaked out, how did that happen?"”.

She is the poster child for what is wrong with America. Old money fuels new decadence among people that don’'t know an honest day’'s work, yet a scientist can spend his/her life developing a compound that lowers cholesterol and save millions of lives but can be sued and bankrupt in a week over an allegation. Welcome to the New World Odor.

Paris Hilton could humbly decide to share the interest off of their fortunes to forward efforts to help others. She could use the spotlight as a tool to teach or influence societal change. She could use her bogus prominence to entice questions about our country’'s declining world status instead of “"Should I get implants?"”.

She is a symptom of a country with decimated priorities. I blame her and the stupid people that care about what she says or does. The experiment worked and the conclusion is that we deserve the benign, bland, unenlightened, selfish, empty public figures we get.

Thank You Baby Jesus!

Every night I take Xeenah for a walk and every night I return with a grocery bag with a turd in it. Xeenah is a small dog and usually squats out a stiff little morsel of intestinally-compacted excrement. No big deal.

When I get home I don't like to bring her dookie into the house to discard it. Usually I put the bag into the bed of my truck and then throw it in the garbage the next morning.

One day I neglected to throw it out. On my way to work I reached 40 mph and I saw the bag with the turd in it begin to ghostily levitate into the reflection of my rear view mirror. It danced in the vacuum of air currents above the bed of my truck-- zigging and zagging, diving and weaving, a poo-in-the-bag ballet. As a finale it danced into the high-speed slipstream where it was sucked out of the bed and was ejected from the truck. I watched it scuttle across the street and into a church playground.

I pictured a young child quietly praying in the church... "Baby Jesus, I really would like a Tootsie Roll...."

Imagine his eyes light up when he went outside and thought his savior delivered.

Chock-Full-O-Deception!

A Decieving Dashed Line Delays Coffee Attainment!

I was making coffee today and it took me forever. I was stymied as I attempted to open a new package of Chock-Full-O-Nuts coffee; the stuff I buy because it is good and cheap. The letter below was presented to the Chock-Full-O-Nuts coffee company and describes my dilema:



Dear Sirs,

I love your coffee and buy it all the time. However, each time I do I have to rummage for a pair of scissors to cut open the bag. I usually plan the cut approximately 1mm below the dashed indicator line (see figure above). I like to leave ample bag for folding and subsequent clamping.

When I cut “Chock-full-o-Nuts” coffee bags they are always sealed considerably below the demarkation, leaving me to multiple cuts and wasted effort. I usually put away the scissors following every cut, and I keep them on the other side of the room from the coffee pot, so it takes a few shots to get to the coffee itself. Why even put a line there if it means nothing but frustration? Analysis of temporal logistics should reveal to you that this endeavor precedes my first cup of coffee. I have not had time to attain the clarity that comes with my addiction (that you profit from), making the problem even worse.

Also, are there really nuts in there?

Thanks! Kevin


Perhaps the only thing "Chock Full O' Nuts" is their inbox.

A Red State -- Blue State Conundrum!

Are the RED republican-leaning states really wealthy and 'family-values' oriented?

Are the BLUE democrat-leaning states just the abortion-seeking slackers and welfare sponges?

Check out my website and enjoy! You'll be surprised! All data real from recent census!

http://www.kevinfolta.com/correlations.htm

Help Me Get My Pots Back!

Dear Web Log Community--

I really need your help! Please read on...

My dear mother bought me some Ultrex cookware from HSN.com. How sweet. It turns out that Ultrex is crap and the 55 year finish fell off like a greased omlette. Ultrex and HSN won't do anything to honor the 55 year warranty.

I'm exhausted in dealing with these dorks. The pots and pans were shipped back 3 months ago for replacement. I have seen nothing yet and an HSN operator (Anita) even hung up on me. I've been cooking in a microwave (or BBQ grill) for 3 months. Thanksgiving dinner sucked!

Can you please fuck with them for me? Please call 800-284-3900. Punch "1" and then 0 for help. Ask for a supervisor, either Eric or Kay. Tell them to quit jerking Kevin around and replace his damn pots. Take up their time like they have wasted mine! Maybe some of you blog Wiccan chicks could put a spell on them or perhaps some whammy from a Haitian religious holy person... Thanks!

I'd appreciate your help. Someday you may be saucepotless and want some noodles... this could be your problem too!

If you could email me at kevin@kevinfolta.com to let me know your results I'd appreciate it, and I will post them here.

Thank you, and bless you. Please be a prick!

Kevin