2008 Hurricane Names- The GAYEST of ALL TIME!

As we get ready for the girly storm "Barry" to make landfall here in 2007, I notice a trend in the storm names. For the last several years I have noticed the feminization of major weather phenomena. Many years ago hurricanes were only named after women. At some point they changed to men's names. Over the last several years the names sound less like a roster of severe storms and more like the roster of the Village People fan club.

Here's 2008-

Arthur
Cristobal
Edouard
Gustav
Ike
Kyle
Marco
Omar
Rene
Teddy
Wilfred

WTF? Go down the list and say to yourself "Blown by (insert hurricane name here)". There may be one downed limb in particular!

Out of that list Ike might be the only masculine name, and that comes from my prior knowledge of Ike Turner, a manly man that kicked Tina Turner down the stairs. He's a stud. Dwight "Ike" Eisenhower was a stud too, especially for a guy named Dwight.

Maybe we can butch up the list a little. The Japanese names for cyclones all sound like movie monsters that would beat your town to oblivion. Here they are appropriate.
Could we strive for such parity in monikers for our tropcial storms? They are front and center in the media and are further evidence of the wussification of America.

Coors and Bad Interpretation of Stats

A recent television commercial by Coors attempts to target parents in the War Against Underage Drinking. The narrator makes the following claim:

"75% of teenagers cite their parents as their number one influence in making a decision to use alcohol"

See, the do-gooders at Coors take this stat to mean that if the family sits with the child and shares opinions and prayers that they will not abuse alcohol.

Wait. Isn't there a more accurate way to interpret that statistic? My parents were certainly the number one influence in my decision to abuse alcohol as a teen. I agree, parents are influential- they influence us to do drink and do drugs to stop the madness and cloud our skulls until we're old enough to move out!

Most of all, it takes boners like those at the Coors company to make a negative statistic appear positive. I guess the make a business of making something shitty pass off as positive; they do that all the time with their beer!

So drink up teens, but don't use Coors products. They are aligned against you politically, their beer has 1/2 the alcohol of most beers and it takes like pee.

Blame the Organic Food Assholes

Okay, I LOVE biotechnology. It kicks major ass and is single handedly the major thrust behind our longer life expectancies and likely will help save the planet.

Then some dickheads decided that DNA manipulation is evil. Worse yet, they tell us that organic food is healthy and groovy. Well read it and weep dorks.

Organic food is grown without genetic enhancement from precise placement of genes of known impact. Instead they are haphazardly bred, mixing in genes from ages long gone in ways that can create toxic plant compounds. Then, they don't use the modern safe, synthetic fertilizers. They use poo. Yes, poo.

So, last year when Dole spinach killed innocent people and left children permanently affected nobody bothered to mention that the tainted crop came from MISSION ORGANICS of San Benito, CA. It was fertilized with cow manure, yes cow shit, cow shit containing the deadly E.coli strain 0157:H7. In a quick web search you find that they cannot be reached for comment. People died from this!

Okay, so you are afraid of genetically enhanced food, but you LOVE shit that is crossed all willy-nilly and covered in poisonous shit. Nice. They create a boogieman called "Frankenfood" and make it all scary, but the brown stinky beast in my toilet is much more evil. I'll take my chances with the GMO before I'll tangle with eating turds.

It IS Frankenfood. I LOVE the term. Remember the story of Frankenstein? Science created something the townspeople didn't understand. Instead of learning about it they rallied and killed it, even though it meant no harm. It may have been good, but we'll never know because the do-gooders made up our minds for us.

Frankenfoods is the perfect moniker. Right now Evil GMOs are fed to billions of people worldwide and have killed zero. They have expanded crop range, fed more people, brought lower environmental impacts and provided larger yields. Organic foods may seem all friendly until you look carefully at the man behind the curtain.

Gone are the Days of Cotton Candy

Remember going to a carnival as a kid and enjoying a sticky swatch of pink fuzz known as cotton candy?

It is unfortunate that competition for raw textile materials has pushed much of cotton cultivation off of the shores of the USA.

Nowadays kids get the lycra candy. Synthetic substitutes are just not the same.

Creationism: A Threat to National Security

As candidates jockey for position in the 2008 elections you will hear them peddle their position on evolution and creation. To me, there is no debate, so I will not call it that. It is the position supported by evidence and a position supported by belief. Just because you believe in something does not make it so.

This blog entry will not address the discussion between evolution and creation. There are people that believe the world is 6000 years old, flat, and in the center of the universe. They belive dinosaurs walked with man. In short, they ignore viable scientific evidence that clearly supports that all modern creatures descended from similar species, and mutations pyramided over time to shape new forms. There is no debate among scientists.

Instead this is about how dangerous it is for the lay public to discredit scientists and their findings. When children are told that scientists are evil people against god (and some polls suggest that 50% are) we change our perspective as a people of technology, medicine and science to a people that accept rules because they think they are true. Another generation of idoits is born.

In other countries people are taught to think critically, to gather and analyze data in a correct manner driven by hypothesis testing and the scientific method. The future belongs to them. When America is supplanted as a technological superpower by others the faithful can pray that they might get access to the breakthroughs in engineering, computers and medicine. Luckily, the people of the world that despise us the most are also worried about creators and such nonsense, so they won't get technology very quickly either.

You can't have it both ways. The faithful must either accept, yet surely continue to question, the factual basis of evolution. If you teach your kids that science is a corrupt and biased field, then it is intellectually dishonest to partake in modern medicine or comptuers. If science is wrong, then please don't use any of it.

It boils down to a simple concept. I'm a scientist, and if I could find any evidence of creation I would become THE MOST FAMOUS SCIENTIST of ALL TIME! Believe me, if I found god's smoking gun I'd test it extra carefully and then publish my findings on the covers fo Nature and Science. This is the difference between a creationist and a scientist. A scientist will remodel his/her position, sometimes 180 degrees, if the evidence supports it. Someone that bases pseudoscientific beliefs based on bogus science and faith will not waiver. Science grows. Faith is stuck. That is precisely why it is not science.

Free Paris???? Crucify the Bitch!

Will you sign the "comments" area with your thoughts here? Can we use that as a petition to have her executed?

I've always contended that the heiress is a waste of air. She brings nothing to the table. She has no clearly delineated purpose, no speakable talent, yet mangages to remain central to public discourse. She is famous solely for her roles as socialite and attention whore.

A few months ago she was arrested for a DUI. She walked with probation. Now she has violated that probation and will be sent to jail for 45 days. Finally, a judge with a sack.

Now fans are signing petitions and starting websites to "Save Paris". Are you kidding me?

I know a guy that have had a really shitty day at their awful job making no money and stopped for two beers on the way home. Some cop filled a quota by following him out of the bar and onto the road where he somehow blew a 0.81 and was arrested. He ultimately received thousands of dollars in penalties on the first offense. Later he had a few glassess of wine when some dope rear-ended him. Cops came to the scene and saw that he had a prior DUI. They made him take the breathylizer and arrested him for 0.81 again.

After this he had thousands of dollars in court costs, lost his license, went to jail for 30 days and still is doing community service on the weekends. He rides a bike everywhere he goes and can't even get a permit to drive to work. In neither case was he bombed off his ass, he was a hair over the low limit. He also had to go to AA and quit driking, meaning he now is locked in a virtual prison with his wife and kids for life!

Because of her position and priviedge Paris should get a more substantial penalty. At the least throw that bitch into the general population. Better yet, sign this blog below if you want her to receive the firing squad or crucifixion. In the event a judge even entertains an appeal we'll print it out and send it.

I'm sick of the elite being immune from wrong doing when a judge will gladly crap in Joe Six Pack's lunch pail.

A Paradox Among Blacks

I write this blog with great respect for people of African descent. I don't like to call them African-Americans because I know many that are not American but still are here via some African heritage. They like being called "black" so I'll go with that.

A recent poll centers around Barry Bonds and his quest to become the all-time home run leader. 58% of people that actually cared wanted him to achieve the milestone. However, when compared along racial lines 78% of blacks wanted him to pass Hank Aaron where only 20% of whites wished this to be the case. 80% of whites feel that he used steriods where some 80% of blacks interviewed deny that he accomplished this feat with pharamcological enhancement.

I find that weird. Let's get real, other players saw him use steriods, people close to him have gone to prison because they would not testify against him. Others in his circle, including Bonds himself, have pleaded the 5th to avoid self-incrimination. He even says that he received regular injections, but he didn't know what was in them. Let's face it, he used steroids.

Let's also face it, Hank Aaron was not the uber-honkey Babe Ruth was. Hank Aaron was black, playing in different times. In many of the places he played he we likely not welcome out in the town. In many places fans still likely negatively remarked about his race despite his ability. His record was amazing. He still had to play defense and was not just some tubby goon trotted in off the bench to swing a bat now and then.

It is a disgrace to see Bonds approach his record and it will be a bigger disgrace the day he passes Aaron. Not being black I can't say for sure, but to me it is a negative to black advancement; that someone would obtain prominence because of illegal drug use. Where are the black leaders? Where are the protests?

To me Bonds cheapens an already lousy sport and as far as I'm concerned the record books will always have an asterisk by his name. More surprising, it is strange how the black community will look the other way, OJ style, when a person of similar race is guilty. Personally, I would find it unacceptable.

My only hope is that Hammerin' Hank starts taking steroids and growth hormone and starts training for a comeback. Once Bonds dies from steriod-induced cancers, Hank can come back and reclaim the title he rightfully earned in the first place.

The REAL EVOLUTION QUESTION

Last week during the Republican Presidential Debate the moderator asked the group, "How many of you do not believe in evolution". Three raised their hands.

What a crappy question! I might have raised my hand too, because I don't believe in evolution either. It is not something to believe in. It is science. It is the best theory presented that is supported by the vast majority of the evidence. I do believe that evolution best explains our existence, but being a scientist, I am ready to accept alternative theories if evidence supports their ascention.

This is an important distinction between scientists and religious believers. Believers accept something because they are told to, regardless of evidence. Scientists distill theories from evidence.

The real question should have been, "Do you accept the evidence that elevates evolution as the current theory for human existence?". THAT is the question.

It is important for a presidential candidate because if they say no it is clear that they will put their personal beliefs ahead of evidence. You see where that got us last time! It is a dangerous problem and we must screen for it now to stop another four years of knee jerk damaging responses.

Traumatic Insemination

I turned on my mp3 player right in the middle of "The Skeptics Guide to the Universe" and they were talking about "traumatic insemination" a process where one individual's sperm is deposited in the female, and then another male penetrates a proboscus through the body wall and injects his. The concept is to compete for fertilization.

I thought this was more stuff about Anna Nicole. Turns out they were talking about bugs.

Pissed Off at Baby Jesus

WTF is god damn baby jesus doing? While he's out impressing a bunch of dumbshits in rual Florida by making water drip down a statue of his mom, some mentally ill dork goes and kills a bunch of innocent people in Virginia. God, Jesus, all of the above are nowhere to be found. No miracles, no help, just death from a deranged whackjob in Virginia- the state named after his mom!

Yes, some losers are all excited about a statue outside of an Orlando FL store that somehow formed scum stains on its cheeks. Let's see, statue, outside, rain, dew, etc... gravity... put it all together and a miracle is the only way to explain it.

Of course the work was inspected by the Arch Diocese of Orlando and they concur, it is truly unexplainable except as a miracle. Of course, the stain of Abraham Lincoln's head under my truck's oil pan may be a divine message from the former president.

Once again, the holy spirit chooses to extert its devine influence as schmoots under the eye of a statue. Meanwhile the slaughters continue in Darfur, people die in Iraq, children starve and die from preventable disease. Stay hot. Then a gigantic tornado (AKA "Act of God") destroys a Kansas town and kills 10 people.

Perhaps it is time for god and things to get their priorities straight. Maybe better yet, it is time for believers to hold their gods a bit more accountable. If gods and things really can make miracles happen then they should get off their asses, stop the weeping crap and start making a difference where it matters.

Don't hold your breath.

"No Urban Sprawl!" - urban sprawlers

GAINESVILLE FL- Alachua County officals met with a throng of polarized citizens, one half against a proposed development, the other for it. As the developers of the Springhills project promise, the new development will bring many businesses to the area, along with jobs, tax revenues and much needed funding for roads.

Opponents scream NIMBY. They don't want development, as they live in cushy homesites on the edge of town. Of course, they were not at the council meetings where people protested against the development of the subdivision where they now reside.

The people that are against sprawl are those on the edge, the ones that sprawled last. They like to be the last ones before the nothingness and who can blame them? I too am against malls, McMansions and cookie cutter development. I'm against it, so I don't go there. I don't like them, and I hate the traffic they cause.

However, I steadfastly believe that property owners have every right to do with their land what they want to do. Whether it is an adult bookstore, a church, a strip club, or any other kind of debauchery I'm all for the owners doing what they want to do with their property.

The challenge goes to those opposed. If they don't like it, don't shop there. If 50% of the town does not use it there will be no impact on traffic and the development will go broke. Retailers will close and the local do-gooders can buy it up and do what they want to with it.

Let's take government out of the equation. Let the marketplace decide.

Plus, if they defeat the proposal to build an upscale retail and residential development, the land will be sold off to strip clubs, bars, adult bookstores, convenience stores, pawn shops, churches, super centers and the rest of the piecemeal development crap that signifies that town.

High Speed Chase Driver Sues

What an asshole!

Yesterday the Supreme Court heard a case where a Georgia driver wished litigation against a local law enforcement agency. Apparently the evil cops committed the crime of chasing him and using maneuvers that would wreck his car and leave him a quadraplegic. Oh, I forgot to mention, the quadraplegic ex-driver was leading cops on a high speed chase, and they used tactics to stop him. He crashed, now he's F'd for life and he's mad at the cops!

I remember the morning in Chicago when I heard of a high-speed chase ending with the head-on death of a local family that just happened to be in the way of the speeding criminal. It tore my freaking grease-painted heart out. I'm not a big fan of the police, but the high-speed chase has no excuse, and is the one place where I want to see bullets fly to stop a speeding vehicle at any cost.

So this dork is now motionles in a bed for the rest of his foul little life and it seems almost appropriate. That's justice! But he wants to sue the police? Who's fault is it, dickhead?

Just for that I'm going to visit him under the guise of an entertainment clown. I'm going to stick my ass in his face and fart a pungent cloud. I'm going to blow an airhorn in his ear and put a strobe light in his eyes. I'm going to rip his eyebrows off with duct tape. Every last bit of sensory input he has I'm going to punish. His body may be numb, but the last thing attached to his torso that feels is going to get the full magilla.

And there is nothing he can do. Asshole.