Speaking for He Who Has No Voice... Only Three Arms

Last week a baby was born in China, but he was not a normal baby. Instead, he was a super sorta UberBaby, a child born with three arms. Now, I'm amazed at conjoined twins and extra heads, limbs etc, but I'm even more amazed at the miracles doctors perform to try to restore these affected childred to normalcy.

Until now. This kid has three arms, five short of octopus, and some self-absorbed prick physician sees it as a once in a lifetime opportunity to make the textbooks with groundbreaking corrective surgery. What an asshole! Not only is he dialing back an incremental step forward in human evolution, he's making a choice for the newborn that he should not make! I'm here to advocate for spiderbaby!

Let's consider downsides and upsides.

DOWNSIDES

1. Hard to find shirts.

UPSIDES

1. Can eat Subway and drive a manual transmission at the same time.
2. Great potential for an all-star hockey goalie.
3. "Drinkin' arm"
4. Can count to 15 without removing shoes.
5. He'd be an amazing guitar player, no wait, drummer!
6. Can play with his junk while cutting grass.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm so upset I can't think of them. Now all he has is the "I'd give my left arm to be normal" joke and that's going to get old really quick. I guess there's the point that kids are viscous and would tease him harshly, but what better way to strike back than a "Three Finger Flip Off"?

Once again we act before we think. That kid could have made much lemonade from the lemon he was dealt, instead he's got a gnarly scar and no drinkin' arm.