Airport Assholes

Few annoyances rival flight delays. Airports nowadays are notorious for postponed, cancelled and delayed flights, traditionally due to weather, mechanical issues and bombs. This was always a residue of getting somewhere by plane and an expected hurdle to negotiate.

Nowadays flights are cheap and any asshole that can rub two nickels together can get a seat on one. Now it is even more affordable, as a trip from Atlanta to Chicago and back costs less than three tanks of gas.

Couple the increase in delays with the increased number of losers and it makes an intolerable situation for ol' Schmootzie. Last week I was flying a regional carrier and the flight was cancelled. They claim "mechanical reasons" but the fact is that they had a half-full flight at 1:23 and a half-full flight at 3:02, so they figured they could combine them and save some dollars. That's fine. I know they are bleeding dollars.

However, the news was not taken lightly by the hordes in the terminal. The general disappointment felt by all of us was punctuated by the purposefully-loud whining of several white, obsese women. One in particular was so upset that the airline did not put us on a bus and drive us to Atlanta for dinner. She was not missing many meals and my guess is that if we were trapped in the terminal forever she'd survive the longest off of reserves.

Still her continuous cries filled the air at D31 and I was ready to strangle her.

Once on the plane she's the one that insists on eating a stinky gyro, takes her shoes off and then walks to the bathroom every 10 minutes. She's the one that flips off that seatbelt the minute the sign is turned off so she can wait in the aisle standing. She's the one that wants off first, even though others are in a hurry and she has nowhere to go.

Flying is a necessary evil but I can't stand doing it. I wish they could have a section of the plane called "no class". Show NASCAR videos, offer unlimited doughnuts and Bud Light. Pack all of them into that section and seal it off so the B.O., smoker's coughs and loud mouths stay out of my compartment.