Biblical Discharges

In my frequent travels I stay in a host of hotels, and in each I deface the bible. I always write a warning message inside the cover or I wipe my hiney with critical passages because the softness of the Gideon’s Holy Book rivals the butt maintenance properties of hotel toilet paper. Most of the warm fuzzy feeling is spiritual.

Today in a pre-wipe fiesta I cracked the text to a random page and now I found the Lord.

Just kidding. I don’t know why people revere this book of weirdness. Here’s a random passage from page 125, Leviticus 15.

(GOD)… AND the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron saying “Speak to the children of Israel, and say to them: When any man has a discharge from his body, his discharge is unclean. And this shall be his uncleanliness in regard to his discharge—whether his body runs with his discharge, or his body is stopped up by his discharge, it is his uncleanliness.”

(Schmootzie) The holy book is trying to figure out diarrhea and constipation? I guess you could also think of it as jizz and blueballs. I’m unsure. I read on to the sacred words…

(GOD) Every bed is unclean on which he who has the discharge lies, and everything on which he sits shall be unclean.

(Schmootize) Bed? Ok, it is unclean to sit in your own Snail Trail, that’s why you leave it for the wife. Duh, that’s the bed thing and God probably is referring to some ejaculation thing…. But wait, “everything on which he sits is unclean”? I guess if you don’t clean your can after a bad case of squid farts and sit on chairs/beds with no pants on (like me on this hotel bed) then it is unclean. No argument there God.

(GOD) He who sits on anything on which he who has the discharge shall wash his clothes and bathe in water, and be unclean until evening.

(Schmootzie) I guess the bible tells you that if you sit in poop or semen you might wash your clothes and contemplate what circumstances brought you to that complication.

You know, this idea is not so good. I was going to parse the entire Leviticus 15 chapter but it is so fucked up I can’t even articulate what a wreck this shit is. Next time you are in a hotel check out Leviticus and think about the brilliant content within.