Missing Bride Abducted? I Don't Buy It.

I smell a rat. Breaking news says that the missing Georgia googly-eyed, bride-to-be, Jennifer Wilbanks has been found alive in Albuquerque, New Mexico, apparently released from her captors in response to extensive media coverage. The story as reported does not make sense, and my profiling skills suggest this to be a fabrication. How do I know?

1. She says she was abducted by a Mexican man and a woman in a blue van. When was the last time you saw a blue van? This is a cliche if I ever heard one. If she said she was abducted by a single, white, middle-aged nerd in a 1989 primer grey Chevy Caprice I'd buy it. The ethnic ID reeks of Susan Smithism. The trip across the USA in a blue van would cost a captor hundreds of dollars with gas at $2.50 a gallon. An abductor is not going to drop that kind of bread on a kidnapping.

2. Everyone knows that if you kidnap someone and your're concerned about extensive media coverage, you have to kill them and hide the body, not release them. Duh.

3. She was supposed to be married later today. It is an emotional time and she looks like she has been babied her entire life. She does not have the emotional and intellectual tools to deal with her freaky religious family and she did the coddled rich-bitch move of blowing out of town, faking her disappearance.

4. Her name is Jennifer. Insert red flag here. We all knew this chick in high school. They never worked, they had new clothes and cars, and most of all craved attention. She is likely an ex-cheerleader, sorority sister, had an eating disorder, lives with her parents and likely works for them too. She loves Dave Mathews, Jimmy Buffet and Miller Lite. I've met the many incarnations of this piece of work.

It is the opinion of this researcher that time will reveal the instance to be a fabrication. She was nervous about her wedding, didn't know how to behave like an adult, so she blew out of town to let everyone else deal with it. The truth might come out next week or next year, but I’ll bet when all is said and done there were no abductors, no van, no kidnapping.

The family is now giving thanks to God and the town plans to throw a big party for her. I’ll bet they all change their tune down the road when the fraud is revealed. I just hope that the police don’t waste too much time and money following up on the investigation when real crimes need to be solved.

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