Swift Priests Smear Papal Candidate

Now that JP2 has reached room temperature, the focus turns to the appointment of the next pontiff. Despite the somber scenes on CNN and the apparent unity amongst the cardinal contingent, the political wheels are in motion with various sects within the Catholic Church vying for position to support their nominee for Pontiff. The infighting is so intense between progressive and traditional Cardinals that JP2 would be spinning in his grave if he was in it, but he is still stuffed and on display like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Although the College of Conservative Cardinals has “nothing to do with it” recent allegations against papal frontrunner John Ezekiel Ciani have surfaced. Cardinal Ciani has been the leader of a congregation in northern Italy for over two decades. His opinions have been in line with church doctrine, yet his stance on the Iraq War was strictly one that opposed US intervention. He stood by the Ten Commandments, citing “Thou Shall Not Kill” is a "immutable statement that applies to all of God’s children, Italian, American or Iraqi".

This opinion left him isolated against pro-American church hardliners that view the Vatican’s relationship with America to be vitally important. Cardinal Peligrini, Vatican spokesman said, “The American Catholics contribute more money to church efforts than followers from all other nations combined... It is important to be sensitive to their desires. How can we have any commandments if there is no church? If we have to look the other way on one to spare the other nine it is a wise move”. This is the formal position of the church, you may remember that they had to stifle JP2 when he started ranting anti-war bologna.

Yesterday a group of priests that served in the seminary with then Brother Ciani outside of Turin, Italy in the 1960’s came forward with allegations as to why he is unfit to become the next leader of the Catholic Church. The allegations include that he reneged on his vow of celibacy, as he was allegedly observed soliciting a street wader in Venice stating "I put the "lick" in "Catholic". It also was alleged that he performed services wearing nothing but a Speedo under his robe. He also bears "false stigmata" that are allegedly self-inflicted.




The Swift Priests for Truth have published a book of these accounts, the first anyone has heard of these allegations in Cardinal Ciani's 40 years of Catholic service. Surprisingly, as the allegations emerge for the first time, thousands of other Conservative Cardinals have come forward, suddenly recalling supporting information against Cardinal Ciani. Parishioner support is waning, as they feel that Cardinal Ciani is a flip-flopper and not a good Papal candidate, even though he has served the church well for 40 years.



Leave it to the do-gooders, the holy and pious, to generate the most vitriolic response to allegations based on rumor and hearsay. Maybe Cardinal Ciani is qualified, maybe not, but we’ll never know the truth now that he’s been tarnished by a well-organized set of unconfirmable allegations.