World Wide Web

Say what you want about North-Central Florida. Its not all boiled P-Nuts, W-Stickers and rigged voting machines; it also is all about cool spiders.

Spiders are kick ass in that they are either completely retarded or supremely ambitious. My gut suggests the latter. The textbook will tell you that insects have 6 legs and spiders have 8, but close inspection reveals that the two extra "legs" are just massive spider scholngs that define the unbridled ambition and fervor of the biological class.

Tonight I walked outside into my yard only to feel resistance on my forehead, like I walked into the flat part of a trampoline. I turned on the light to observe that I had ventured into the web of a juvenile banana spider, a young arachnid, yet with the tools of a skilled webmaster. All of the senior spiders had claimed all of the primo small web hunting spots in my yard and this critter took it upon itself to ambitiously span a healthy chunk of real estate in search of airborne prey.

I admired his effort. Here was a web 12 feet wide, 4 meters high with a giant spider in the middle. I stood in awe of the creation; until the 750ml of Jim Beam decided to submit its two cents.

I reached down into my lungs and coughed up the hairriest evil hocker my alveoli could muster. I parsed my lips and dispatched a hunk of tar sucked off the business end of a Camel unfiltered cigarette in 1982. That goowad danced through the air and firmly met the web site with a gentle bob.

The spider wasted no time. Within seconds my tarry snot hocker was wrestled to dead and entombed in filamentous coccoon of spider zook. It hung like trophy, better than a moth or a junebug, it was a liquid residue of a mammal, a gelatinous offering chock full of protein and testosterone. Then the ambitious arachnid sunk its manibles deep into the gooey prey and extracted nirvana- cells, phlegm, sputum, burrito and booze. Its compound eyes rolled back on their ocelluses. Ahhhhhh.

Chances are the ambitious arachnid will pack up and go before morning, but if its there it will be big, really big, deriving nutrients from that mummified hocker- a goob so big it made the web sag. It is good that I can give a little bit back to nature, even if it is a tiny hunk of a drunken lung cookie.