Schmootize's Living Will

Maybe you've seen me on CNN. I've been down at Terri Schaivo's hospice holding up the sign that says "Pull My Tube". I had to see it all first hand. Now that all of the do-gooding Floridiot Ned Flanders types are praying by Terri's place (you see what good that's done) it is primo time to get an unharrassed abortion, so have at it ladies!

All of this time among the rosary rubbers and candle holders gave me time to reconsider this living will issue. I need to get this down in explicit detail here in this legally-binding-irrevocable BLOG format. My ghoul parents will have my body taxedermied and paraded around for weeks then mummified if they get their way. Imagine what they'll do after I'm dead! The wife knows my post-mortem wishes, but you see how well this worked out for Ol' Brainstem down there.

Here are my wishes, I mean, demands. simply put:

1. You may pull my feeding tube at any time, but DO NOT touch the drinking tube.

2. Post-mortem, please donate my body. Not to science, but to the Salvation Army. Put me into the box late at night, but be sure to get a receipt for tax purposes.

3. Most of all, I don't want to be a burden on Roxy or my family. If found anywhere near persistently vegetative, or even the troublesome side of inconvenient, if my illness causes me to consume more than I produce or if I smell bad or grow fungus on me while "alive":

YOU ARE INSTRUCTED TO KILL ME. Don't just pull the plug, pull the plug and beat me with the cord, then stick the downstream side of my penile catheter tube into the vacant outlet.

I also demand that everyone move along quickly and forge a new relationship in the hole I left. Life is about living. Once you can't do it and your lack of life drains the life resources of others, it is important to not be a selfish prick and move along. Think about the others. Hail Kevorkian!