Hail Mary, Full of Part-Skim Pasteurized Cheese Food

At this time, at what what may be a pivotal turning point in world history, the sacred mother of Jesus Christ has appeared again to remind us of her message and our deviant ways. Where you ask? Did she appear amongst warring troops in the urban battle fields of Faluaja, Iraq? In a childrens' cancer ward? In front of an accepting congregation?

No. Believers allege that has used her almighty powers to emboss her vague likeness on a greasy grilled cheese sandwich which is now up for auction on Ebay. I question the modus operandi of the divine. Why is it that Mary and Jesus show up on oil slicks, mud puddles and sandwiches but are conspicuously absent when 3000 people are desperately praying for their lives in a burning, crumbling skyscraper with an exploded jetliner in its side? Believers tell me that unexpected intervention is part of the divine mystery.

To me, the mystery is how a virgin smudge can so inspire capitalistic commerce. Today if you search Ebay with the words "mary" and "cheese" there are 319 items for sale, including the virgin mary's gum and Mary's alleged face in a piece of steak...



Someone is selling an "Anti Virgin Mary In Grilled Cheese Muslim Training Film" as well as virgin mary fat free bologna. The seller expresses "great faith in processed meat". There are t-shirts and bumper stickers, like "I ATE THE VIRGIN MARY GRILLED CHEESE". I thought of "God is Great, Mary is Grated and between Two Slices of Pumpernickle" or something like that.

As is the case, when one miracle occurs people start to pay attention to their food, revealing apparitions that normally go unnoticed. Here are some others:

Elvis on toast



The "Pope Chop"



The late Yasser Arafat on a falaffel



Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen image in grilled cheese


Instead of gracing the buffet it would be good for holy icons to focus their efforts on straightening out this foul planet. Children die everyday from preventable disease and starvation. Instead of showing up on the cheese sandwich, maybe she could show up in Sudan with a bottomless basket of them. Then I'd be sold.